The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
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(text-only).
The archives reside at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!)
are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent
directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
28 September 2007
Hi Everyone!
It’s
been a LONG week for me … how ‘bout you?
I’m looking forward to no alarm clock for a couple of mornings! Just maybe some of these fUNNIES
will get you poppin’ for the weekend … they woke me
up as I was putting the issue together!
Enjoy
the beginning of Fall!
And stay good!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Just Annette – SO True!
- Tom Sokolowski – The Card Game
- Syman – Thought & Joke
of the Day
- Maureen Zack – Bubba
- Jackster – The Obedient Wife
- Chas Young – Rolf Harris
Drawings
- Chuck Hopf – The Redneck’s
Havin’ Triplets
- Neil Stenlake – Golf Cheat
- Judy Hirsch – The Great
Flydini on
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Just Annette – SO True!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mom (Anita Renfroe) has condensed
everything a mom might say to her kids in 24 hours into less than 3 minutes -
to the tune of the William Tell Overture.
Turn it up … and be prepared to listen to some really fast, really smart
lyrics!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_oc1j5NakY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski – The Card
Game
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six retired Floridians
were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz
loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing
standing up.
Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna
tell his wife?" They cut the cards.
Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be
gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm
the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." So Goldberg goes to the Meyerwitz
unit and knocks on the door.
Mrs Meyerwitz yells from behind the
door, "What do you want?"
Goldberg declares:
"Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home. He needs more
money." "Tell him to drop
dead!" yells the wife." "I'll
go tell him." says Goldberg.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Syman – Thought & Joke of
the Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2 quickies –
Thought For The Day:
"I for one, support a
tax hike. One more tax, and we all take a hike."
~~~~~~
JOKE OF THE DAY:
Bad Potato:
A diner in a restaurant
called the waitress to his table. Pointying to a sad
looking bad baked potato on his plate and said, "That potato is bad."
The waitress picked up the
potato and slapped it roughly a couple of times. Then she put it back on the
diner's plate.
"Now,
"she told the customer, "If that potato gives you any more trouble,
you just let me know."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Maureen Zack - Bubba
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This
is old, but it still makes me laugh!
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty
badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two
best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter
arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.
You better roll him over." The
mortician rolled him over and Cooter said,
"Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought
this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to
confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer
looked at the body and said,"Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him
over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer
said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician
asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer
said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
What? He had two assholes?" asked the
mortician. “Yup, we never seen 'em, but
everybody used to say, ‘There's Bubba with them
two assholes!’ “
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jackster – The Obedient Wife
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take
all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the
afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he
died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there -
dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished
the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket,
the wife said,
"Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in
the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it
away. So her friend said,
"Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with
your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my
word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with
him."
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into
my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chas Young – Rolf Harris Drawings
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you do not appreciate having received this, I
apologise.
Sound is totally unnecessary, but it’s there.
I have a track record in pushing the envelope at times,
so … be warned!
http://blip.tv/file/get/Drbernie-HandDrawings460.wmv
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chuck
Hopf – The Redneck’s Havin’ Triplets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Back in the woods, a redneck's wife
went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to
assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor
handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I
can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into
the world.
"Whoa there," said the
doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down ... I think there's
yet another one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had
delivered a baby girl.
"No, no, don't be in a great
hurry to be putting down that lantern ... It seems there's yet another one in
there!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in
bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake – Golf Cheat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dave had a week off and
decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an
attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer.
They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown
competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. Dave
congratulated her and paid off his losses.
Pat asked for a ride home
and, on the way, told him, "You know, Dave, I haven't enjoyed myself so
much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my
appreciation. "He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon
she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.
The next morning, they met again
on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day,
enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf. Again Pat
beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home. This went on
all week, with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not
unhappy.
On Friday's drive home,
Dave said, "Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight
I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations at
the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best
hotel. What do you say? "Pat burst into tears. "I
can't!"
"What? Why not?"
asked Dave. "Because," she sobbed, "I'm in the middle of a sex
change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!"
"What?!" aghast,
Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with
emotion. "I'm so sorry," says Pat. "You have a right to be angry
with me."
"You
bastard!"
Dave screamed, his face bright red. "You cheating bastard! All week long you've been playing off the
women's tees!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Judy Hirsch – The Great Flydini
on
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Steve Martin's magic
act, the Great Flydini, as shown on the old Tonight show
with Johnny Carson.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJCtOz32dnw
PS Also to all of you that think it's easy to figure out...it's not supposed to
be a mind-numbing conundrum, the main purpose is that it's funny.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meyer, a lonely
widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one
day wishing something wonderful would happen in his life, when he passed a pet
store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk...vus machts du?"
Meyer rubbed
his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. Perfect Yiddish.
The proprietor
urged him, "Come in here, fella, and check out
this parrot..."
Meyer did. An
African Grey cocked his little head and said: "Vus?
Kenst sprechen Yiddish?"
In a matter of
moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars on the counter and carried the
parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures
coming to
The parrot
listened and commented.
They shared
some walnuts.
The parrot told
him of living in the pet store, how lonely he would get on the weekends. They
both went to sleep.
Next morning,
Meyer began to put on his Tfillin, all the while
saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when
Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do the same. Meyer went out and had a
miniature set of tfillin hand made for the parrot.
The parrot
wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He
even wanted to learn to read Hebrew.
So Meyer spent
weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time,
Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and fellow Jew.
One morning, on
Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the
parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul
was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument, so Meyer
relented and carried the bird to Shul on his
shoulder.
Needless to
say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone,
including the Rabbi and the Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the
building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer persuaded them to let him in this one
time, swearing that the parrot could daven. Wagers
were made with Meyer.
Thousands of
dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven,
could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were
on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as
one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to
become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
Nothing.
"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so
daven...come on, everyone is looking at you!"
Nothing.
After Rosh
Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars..
He marched
home, so upset he said nothing to the parrot.
Finally several
blocks from the
Meyer stopped
and looked at him.
"Why?
After I had tfillin made for you and taught you the
morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you
begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? WHY?!? Why did you do this to me?"
"Meyer,
don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get
on Yom Kippur!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly
distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is
intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended.
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually
desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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fUNNIES, 1996-2007. All Rights Reserved.