Current & past issues of the fRIDAY
fUNNIES can be found at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie
(text-only) and
at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
(full media)
|
Send an email to |
|
|
To subscribe |
To UNsubscribe |
6 January 2006
Hi Everyone!
Hope you all had a great holiday season. Here’s a bunch of fUNNIES that I hope will
start you off just right! And be sure to look all the way to the bottom this
week … the Kathilicks and the Negative People are just great!
And a small note: long time fUNNIES contributor Randy Martin passed
away last week. My best wishes go out to
his family and friends … he and his humor will be missed.
Have a fabulous weekend! Me
and the oldest ofspring are off to Ft Lauderdale to visit my mommy for a week …
whoohoo!
:) Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Ads We’ll Never See
- Ole and Lena
- Hypnotism
- Women’s Stress Diet
- Famous Quotes
- Top 5 Things Overheard
at Holiday Office Parties
- Negative People
- British Cartoons
- History Lesson
- Are You Kathilick?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dick
Szeide) Ads We’ll Never See <graphics>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom
Sokolowski) – Ole and
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole staggered home very late after
another evening with his drinking buddy, Sven. He took off his shoes
to avoid waking his wife,
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his
body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in
each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to
yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror
to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a
full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on
each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled
and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Ole woke up with searing
pain in his head and butt and
She said, "You were drunk again last night
weren't you Ole?"
Ole said, "Why you say such a mean ting?"
Well," Lena said, "it could be the open
front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs,
it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your
bloodshot eyes, but mostly it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs
mirror.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from DASDBill)
- Hypnotism
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing
Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist
do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put
into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the
audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep
your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations. He
began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, Watch
the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became
mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished
surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes
followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,----- it s lipped from the
hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
Shit!" said the Hypnotist...
It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Judy
Hirsch via the ImberBabe) – Women’s Stress Diet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Women's Stress Diet
cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey Kiss
AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the Kisses in the bag
1 tub
DINNER:
2 loaves Garlic bread
1 Family size Supreme Pizza
3 Snickers Bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK:
Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake
(eaten directly from the Freezer)
DIET RULES:
1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet coke with a chocolate bar, the diet coke cancels out
the sugar in the chocolate bar
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more
than they do.
4. Food used for medical purposes does not count (eg. hot chocolate, toast,
cheesecake with cherries).
5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner.
6. Movie Theater related foods have zero calorie count as they are part of the
entertainment package and not counted as food intake. This includes Pop Corn,
Sno Caps, and Ice Cream.
7. Cookie pieces have no calories because breaking the cookies up causes
calorie leakage.
8. Foods licked from spoons and forks have no fat if you are in the process of
cooking something.
9. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density
of the calorie mass.
10. Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs
to the other person and will cling to his/her plate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Joanne Tenaglio) – Famous
Quotes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian,
you should have remained a virgin." -Lillian Carter
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But
I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good
in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had
ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to
withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain
The
secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending... and
to have the two as close together as possible. -George Burns
Santa
Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
Be
careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -Mark
Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become
happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
I
was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho
Marx
My wife
has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then, she stops to
breathe. -Jimmy Durante
I have
never hated a man enough to give
his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only
Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol,
caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine
My luck
is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol
Money
can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of
misery. - Spike Milligan
What's
the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman
Until I
was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath
Youth
would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert
Henry Asquith
I never
drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - WC. Fields
We could
certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through
Congress. - Will Rogers
The
cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. -Unknown
By the
time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -
Billy Crystal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Sokolowski)
– Top 5 Things Overheard at
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
Top 5 Things Overheard at Office
5> "Take your clothes off, men -- time to go skinny-dipping
in the secretarial pool!"
4> "I remember the old days when we'd just photocopy our asses.
Now, we have to out-source it to a graphics company so they
can touch it up before IT posts it to the corporate Web
site."
3> "Don't crash the Halliburton party next door -- they're
asking 24 bucks for a Bud Light."
2> "He's your Secret Santa? Be careful. It took six
prescriptions to get rid what he gave me last year."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Overheard at Office
1> "You're the boss' wife? What a coincidence -- I'm his bitch."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil
Stenlake) – Negative People
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Something
to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your
parade. So remember this the next time
someone who knows nothing and cares less makes your life miserable...
A
"We're
taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?"
exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline! Their planes are old, their flight attendants
are ugly, and they're always late. So,
where are you staying in
"We'll
be at this exclusive little place over on
"Don't
go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's
really a dump, the worst hotel in the city!
The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So,
whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're
going to go to see the
"That's
rich," laughed the hairdresser, "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size
of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy
trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A
month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to
"It
was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up
to first class. The food and wine were
wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and
foot. And the hotel -- it was
great! They'd just finished a $5 million
remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they
apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
Well,"
muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't
get to see the Pope."
"Actually,
we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me
on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors
and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would
personally greet me. Sure enough, five
minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to
me."
"Oh,
really...What'd he say?"
"He
said, 'Where'd you get that shitty hairdo?'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Eddie
Rabinovitch) – British Cartoons <cartoons>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Maureen
Zack) – History Lesson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
YEAR:
1981
1.
Prince Charles got married.
2.
Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of
3.
4.
Pope died.
YEAR:
2005
1.
Prince Charles got married.
2.
Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of
3.
4.
Pope died.
In
the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, somebody please warn the
Pope!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara
Rosenberg) – Are You Kathilick?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone
to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized
and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one
will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the
toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now
baptized!".
When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we
are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, ....because they pour
the water on you."
"We're not Babtis, ....because they dunk all of you in the
water."
"We're not Methdiss, ......because they just sprinkle water on
you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!"
They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do you think that means?"
"I think it means we're Pisscopailians.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly
distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is
intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended.
Contributions (jokes, friday funnies, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually
desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a
friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Send an Email to
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@yahoogroups.com . That's all there is to it!
Need to unsubscribe? Send an Email to fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
Finally, current and past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2006. All Rights Reserved.