tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES by Dr Bernie

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13 January 2006

Hi Everyone!

Away visiting Mom this week in sunny Florida … so I have no ability to include a big media file this week from my lowly dial-up line … the same holds true for this weeks’ Podcast … We’ll catch up next week!

Hope you like these … and lets hope you have a hilarious weekend!

:) Dr Bernie

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Contents -
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Winners of the “Last Photo I Ever Took” Contest
Goddesses
Lexus
World’s Thinnest Books
Is This Your Work Environment Too?
A Nice Jewish Boy …
Blonde Math Test
$20 or else
Puzzles for Blondes
Jewish Genie

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(from Don) – Winners of the “Last Photo I Ever Took” Contest

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Winners of
"The Last Photo I Ever Took"
Contest

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(from Frank Ingrassia) - Goddesses

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Dr. B -- I am speechless... Frank

HOW IN THE WORLD DID THESE GODDESSES GET SO OLD...

WHILE LOCKED-UP IN OUR FOREVER-YOUNG MINDS?

How's This For A Depressing Dose Of Aging Reality !

Brigitte Bardot 71
Stella Stevens 68
Sophia Loren 71
Gina Lollobrigida 78
Deborah Kerr 94

Lena Horne 88
Kay Starr 83
Patti Page 78
Annette Funicello 63
Barbara Eden 71

Angie Dickenson 74
Doris Day 81
Joan Collins 72
Julie Christie 64
Leslie Caron 74
Carroll Baker 74

Ann-Margret 64
Debra Padget 72
Julie Andrews 70
Ursula Andress 69
Rita Moreno 74

Jean Simmons 76
Julie Newmar 72
Kim Novak 72
Jane Powell 76
Debbie Reynolds 73

Shirley Temple 77
Jane Russell 84
Kathryn Grayson 83
Esther Williams 82
Elke Sommer 65

Gale Storm 83
Jill St. John 65
Liz Taylor 73
Mamie Van Doren 74

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(from Ken Halpern) - Lexus

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I just got my new Lexus RX400H, and returned to the dealer the next day, complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!" He said, "Nelson! The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" He continued...and On The Road Again ! came from the speakers.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome songs. One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled..... "ASSHOLES!" The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax.... Damn, I LOVE this car

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(from Tom Sokolowski) – World’s Thinnest Books

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FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda

MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT: a Travel Guide

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE By Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson

BRIDGE TRAVEL by Ted Kennedy

And the world's Number One Thinnest Book:

MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

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(from Joanne Tenaglio) – Is This Your Work Environment Too?

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<photo>

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(from Chaz Young) – A Nice Jewish Boy …

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A young Jewish man falls in love with a Native American woman and they decide to get married. When his mother hears the news, however, she is extremely distressed because she wanted him, of course, to marry a nice Jewish girl.

When she hears that not only is he marrying this Native American girl but has decided to live with her on the reservation, the mother becomes so upset that she refuses to even speak to the boy, practically disowning him.

After a year, the son telephones the mother to tell her that he and his wife are expecting a child. The mother is happy for him, but there is still quite a bit of tension in the air.

Nine months later, the son calls the mother again. "Mom," he says, "just wanted you to know that last night my wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy. I also wanted to tell you that we've talked it over and we have decided to give the boy a Jewish name."

Upon hearing this, the mother is overjoyed. "Oh, son, this is wonderful, " she gushes. "I've been waiting for this moment all my life. You have made me the happiest woman in the world."

That's great, Mom, " replies the son.

And what, " asks the mother, "is the baby's name?"

The son proudly replies, "Smoked Whitefish."

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(from Lyn Hecker) - Blonde Math Test <graphic>

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(another from Sokolowski) - $20 or else

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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

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(from Neil Stenlake) – Puzzles for Blondes <cartoons>

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(from Cousin Gaylannie) – Jewish Genie

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An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst. He crawled through the sands, certain that he was b! reathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle. It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie . BUT this was no ordinary genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzies.

"Vell kid," said the genie, "you know how it voiks. You got three vishes."

"I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!"

"Vott'ya you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a gonner anyvay!"

The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right. "Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink."

** * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

** * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.

"Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Better should make it a good vone!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me !"

** * * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * *

He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached!

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, friday funnies, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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