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19 January 2006
Hi Everyone!
Perverse insanity abounds this week. Whoohoo! You’ve been warned.
Plus, the first fRIDAY
fUNNIES VIDEO podcast –
Check it out at the ff website (http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net)
– you don’t have to be a podster to get it and watch!! It’s just an .AVI file ..
under 2 minutes of pure joke!
Have a great weekend!
:) Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- The Nudist
- Voted Best Joke of the
Year in Oz
- A Blonde’s
Year in Review
- The Fruit
Cake Lady
- Private Parts
- Best Bar in Texas
- High Urinals
- Contributions from Fred
- Latest Scam
- 4 Parachutes
& Pizza
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) – The Nudist
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his
grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new
location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a
photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then
remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:
Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style . . . it makes your nose look
short.
Love, Gramma
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dick Szeide) – Voted
Best Joke of the Year in Oz
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Voted Best Joke of the Year in
Kris walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a
headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll
find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to
you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Maureen Zack) – A Blonde’s Year in
Review
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February -
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels... "duh"... bottles
won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got
excited... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months... box said
"2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours... power went out!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid... 8 cups of water won't fit into
those little packets!
June - Tried to go water skiing...
couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition... learned later,
other swimmers cheated,
they used their arms!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm... car swamped,
because top was down.
September -
The capital of
October - Hate M&M's... they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4
1/2 days... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!
December - Couldn't call 911... "duh"...
there's no "eleven" button on the
phone!
What a
year!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Eddie Rabinovitch) – The Fruit Cake Lady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From the Tonite Show with Jay Leno …
http://www.nbc.com/nbc/Video/?c=The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/Hi_2874_msn&n=highlights
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom D) – Private Parts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Always wear clean underwear in
public, especially when working under your vehicle...
From the
The man told his wife to carry
on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later
to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a
pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in
shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put
her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she
looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was
standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to
have three stitches in his forehead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Epler) – Best Bar in
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Fill in state and universities of your choice.)
A
The view of the river was fantastic; the beer was ice cold and the
food exceptional.
"But", said the guy from Tech, "I still prefer the
beer joints back in
The Longhorn said, "Well, at my local bar in
"Hell, that's nothin'," the
Aggie responded. "Back in
The Red Raider and the Longhorn immediately doubted the Aggie's claims. "And this actually happened to
you?" asked the Tech grad.
"No, not myself
personally," admitted the Aggie. "But it did happen to my
sister."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) – High Urinals
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female
teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to
learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly
to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was
decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she
was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade." "No,
ma'am", he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh
race, but I appreciate your help."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Fred Silver) – Contributions from Fred
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do Viagra And
Q: What does bungee jumping and prostitutes have in common?
A: They both cost a hundred pounds and if the rubber breaks, you're in trouble
SIX stages of married life:
1: Tri-weekly
2: Try weekly
3: Try weakly
4. Try oysters
5: Try anything
6: Try to remember
LOVE thy neighbor all
through the day... but first make sure her husband's away!
A neutron goes into a
bar and asks the bartender: "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies: "For you, no
charge."
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a bridge!"
"What's come over you?"
Why do men find it difficult to make eye
contact Boobs don't have eyes!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake) – Latest Scam
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall parking
lots.
Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking,
one starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window
and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse. While
you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the
backseat and then they both start begging you for a ride home.
Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them
will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over
the seat and unzips your pants. This is
when they steal your wallet.
I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, but I
couldn't find them on Saturday or Sunday.
You've been warned!!! Be careful!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(One from Jeannie
& one from Chuck Hopf) – 4 Parachutes & Pizza
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net/Movies/four_parachutes.pps
Ordering
pizza in 2010 -
This
could be scary if it wasn't funny! Be
sure that your speakers are on and the volume is turned up. For a look at what
ordering pizza in the year 2010 will be like, click below:
http://www.adcritic.com/interactive/view.php?id=5927
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly
distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is
intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended.
Contributions (jokes, friday funnies, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually
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Finally, current and past issues
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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fUNNIES, 1996-2006.
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