Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only) and
at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net (full media)

  27 January 2006

Hi Everyone!  

Great cartoons are scattered throughout this weeks’ full media issue thanks to Frank Ingrassia.  Here’s hoping you have a dynamite weekend!

:) Dr Bernie

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Contents -  
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(from Tom Sokolowski) – Blonde Year in Review

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January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into  the typewriter.

March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because  the box said "2-4 years."

April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because eight cups of water won't fit into one  of those little packets.

June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a  slope.

July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to  the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their  locked car using a coat hanger, because it was starting to rain and the top  was down.

September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."

October - Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked a turkey for four days because the instructions said one  hour per pound and she weighed 120.

December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any of her phone  buttons.

 

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(from Dave Thorn) – Robot Bartender

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A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"  The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry,environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and  sexual proclivities.  The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."

 

He decides to test the robot.

 

He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"  The man responds, "about  100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

 

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him another perfectly prepared drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"  The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

 

And the robot says... real slowly, "So.......... ya gonna vote for Bush again?"

 

 

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(from  Barry) – A Case for Lasik Surgery

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<a bit explicit, but funny!>

http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net/movies/needs_glasses.wmv

 

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(from Tom Sokolowski) – State Trooper

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A New Mexico State Trooper pulled a car over on I-25 about 2 miles south of the New Mexico/Colorado state line.

 

When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Albuquerque to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

 

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

 

The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk man, from Espanola, got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

 

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way I can pass that test."

 

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(from Donald Williams) – Thou Shalt Not Steal

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An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.  When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"    She replied: a can of peaches.     The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.  

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.  She replied 6.   The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.    He said, " What is it? "

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

 

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(from EMDAlan) – Pepsi: Italian Style

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<great commercial>

http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net/movies/pepsiItalianStyle.wmv

 

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(another one from Barry) – Calculus 101

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(from Barbara Rosenberg) – Why Women Avoid Doctor Visits

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A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basic items.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"115," she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale.

It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 foot 8," she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5'  5".

She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high. "Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender!

Now I'm short and fat!"

 

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(from Chuck Hopf) – Some DP Definitions   

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http://www.isham-research.co.uk/dd.html#msus

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(from Len Zimmerman) - History

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In George Washington's days, there were no cameras.  One's image was either sculpted or painted.  Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms.  Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more.  Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." ************************************************************** As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October)!  Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs.  Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool.  They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes.  The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig."  Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy. ************************************************************* In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair.  Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining.  The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor.  Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal.  To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge.  They called the one sitting in the chair the "chair man."  Today in business, we use the expression or title "Chairman" . 

*************************************************************Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front.  A proper and dignified woman, as in "straight laced". . . wore a tightly tied lace.

************************************************************* Common entertainment included playing cards.  However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades."  To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck." ************************************************************** At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term "minding your "P's and Q's."

 

 

 

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, friday funnies, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski

 Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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