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3 February 2006
Hi Everyone!
Comedy
for the senior set highlights this week’s fUNNIES. Thanks for the terrific contributions everyone
… they help us all start the weekend off on a demented foot!!
:)
Dr Bernie
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Contents
-
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- Tech Support
- A Fairy Tale
- Dilbert Contest
- Visiting the
Gynecologist
Lovemaking Tips for Seniors - Zen Judaism
- Baby Boomer
- 10 Thoughts To Ponder For
The New Year
- Your HMO Explained
- Ostrich
- Friendship
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(from
Joel Goldstein) – Tech Support
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I
think I just spoke to him last week … <photo>
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(from
Ken Halpern) – A Fairy Tale
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A married couple in their early 60s was out
celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little
restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on
their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for
being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a
wish."
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling
husband" said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! -
two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner
appeared in her hands.
Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said,
"Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never
come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years
younger than me."
The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...
So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the
husband became 92 years old.
The moral of the story: Men should remember that fairies are female.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Tom Sokolowski) – Dilbert Contest
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They
were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life DILBERT-type managers. For all you Dilbert
fans out there. These just prove the point that people are promoted to
their level of incompetence.
Here are the finalists:
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote
from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in
2.
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems that we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3.
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4.
"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important
interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel
Service)
5.
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will
believe that you solved this problem in one day! We've been working
on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know
when it’s time to tell them." (R&D supervisor,
6.
Quote from the Boss: ''Teamwork is a group of people doing what I say.'' (Marketing
executive, Citrix Corporation)
7.
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my
Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the
busiest day of the year. He
then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, ''That would be
better for me.'' (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
8.
''We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees.'' (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines
Division)
9.
One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project that I was
working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said ''If I
wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!''
(New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Don) – Visiting the Gynecologist
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the
doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the
morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the
water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there
were nickels in the bowl."
"That night," she went on, "I went again,
plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were
quarters ! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,"
she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
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(Ready for this?)
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(I'm warning you.....)
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(Still not too late....delete now!)
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The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there,
it's nothing to be scared about "You're simply going through the change!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Neil Stenlake) – Lovemaking Tips for Seniors
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LOVEMAKING
TIPS FOR SENIORS
1.
Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is
actually in bed with you.
2.
Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3.
Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4.
Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5.
Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6.
Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end
up under the bed.
7.
Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8.
Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9.
If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10.
Don't even think about trying it twice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Dick Sziede) - Zen Judaism
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*
If there is no self,
whose arthritis is
this?
*
Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?
*
Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip... joy.
With the second...
satisfaction.
With the third, peace.
With the fourth, a danish.
*
Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
*
Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health
or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?
*
The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single
"oy".
*
There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you
never visited.
And whose fault was that?
*
Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkes.
*
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.
*
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this, and attaining Enlightenment
will be the least of
your problems.
*
Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight. You'll never meet the
Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
*
Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
*
To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.
*
To practice Zen and the art of Jewish
motorcycle
maintenance, do the following:
get rid of the
motorcycle.
What were you thinking?
*
Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical
sensation is a
symptom of terminal illness.
*
The Torah says,"Love thy neighbor as thyself.
The Buddha says there is no "self."
So maybe you are off the hook.
*
The Buddha taught that one should practice loving
kindness to all
sentient beings. Still, would it kill you
to find a nice
sentient being who happens to be Jewish?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Barbara Rosenberg) – Baby Boomer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was fun being a baby boomer...'till now. Some of the artists
of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby
boomers. They include:
1. Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely
2. The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
3. Bobby Darin -- Splish,
Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
4. Ringo Starr -- I Get By
With a Little Help From Depends
5. Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
6. Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now
7. Paul Simon --
8. Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the
Bathroom
9. Marvin Gaye -- Heard it Through the Grape Nuts
10. Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair
11. Leo Sayer
-- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
12. The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
13. Abba -- Denture Queen
14. Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me
Fall
15. Helen Reddy -- I am Woman, Hear Me Snore
16. Willie Nelson -- On the
Commode Again
17. Leslie Gore's -- It's My
Procedure and I'll Cry if I want to
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Jackster) - 10 Thoughts To Ponder For The New Year
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number 10 - Life
is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 - Good
health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8 - Men
have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make
him a sandwich.
Number 7 - Give a
person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 - Some
people are like a Slinky...not really good for anything, but you still can't
help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Number 5 - Health
nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4 - All of
us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 - Why
does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax
cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2 - In the
60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird
and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1
THOUGHT FOR 2006 - We know exactly where one cow with
mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Maureen Zack) – Your HMO Explained
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Research
done by the AARP Legal Department
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase
"HEY MOE". Its roots go back
to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges who discovered that a
patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard
enough in the eye.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it
be to choose the doctor I want?
A.
Just slighty more difficult than choosing your
parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all of the doctors
in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no
longer accepting new patients and those who will see you but who are no longer
participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still
in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive
from your home and a diploma from a third world country.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require
pre-certification?
A. No.
Only those you need.
Q. Can I get covereage
for my pre-existing conditions?
A.
Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative
forms of medicine?
A.
You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but
I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication but it gave me a stomach
ache. What should I do?
A.
Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I'm away from home and get sick?
A. You
really shouldn't do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist but my
doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really
perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A.
Hard to say, but considering that all your risking is the $5.00 co-payment,
there's no harm in giving it a shot.
Q. Will health care be different in the next
century?
A. No,
but if you call right now you might get an appointment by then.
Q. If I go to my HMO doctor with an erectile
dysfunction problem, what can I expect?
A. Two
popsicle sticks and a roll of duct tape.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Stenlake) - Ostrich
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind
him. The waitress asks for their
orders. The man says, "A hamburger,
fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man
reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the
week. "The usual?" asks the
waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked
potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That
will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his
pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out
of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was
cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I
would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always
be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as
you live!"
"That's right.
Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is
always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the
ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was
for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I
say."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Late arrival from Barry) – Friendship between Men / Women
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friendship between Women
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's
10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between Men
>A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had
slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was
still there.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY
fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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