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11 February 2006
Hi Everyone!
Apologies
to all for my not being able to get the fUNNIES out
yesterday … I’ve been in the hospital since Tuesday ..
and there’s no wireless network here
!@#$%$%&!!! So I’m putting this
together from my hospital room … and my wife will take my laptop back home to
ship it out.
With
the Nor’easter snowstorm bearing down, I’m not sure when they’ll let me out of
here. Rest assured I’m feeling ok and I
should get sprung soon.
Hope
you like these!
:)
Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents
-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- The Perfect Dress
- The Amish Elevator
- 25
Signs You Have Grown Up
- Have a Safe Flight
- Psychopath Test
- Lipstick Problem
- A Riddle
- Elderly Couple
- Chinese Sick Leave
- Naughty Riddles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Barbara Rosenberg) – The Perfect Dress
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
excitement - not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed
mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn
that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer
asked her to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m
wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously
said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's
your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When
they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going
to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where
you could wear it." Her
mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the
night before the wedding!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Neil Stenlake) - The Amish
Elevator
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Amish boy and his father were in a
mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this
Father?"
The father (never having seen an
elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my
life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching
with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and
pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the
reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old
blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his
son..."Go get your mother."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Jackieten) - 25 Signs You Have Grown Up
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Your
houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and
"break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than
settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not
condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never
going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of
asking "Oh S*$# what the hell happened?"
Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't
apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
John Epler) – Have a Safe Flight
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.barry.fireflyinternet.co.uk/fun/files/pilot.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Eddie Rabinovitz) – Psychopath Test
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Read this question, come up with an
answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick
question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own
mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She
believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right
there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later
she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive for killing
her sister?
Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear at
the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.
This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the
same mentality as a killer.
Many arrested serial killers took part in
the test and answered the question correctly.
If you didn't answer the question
correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let
me know so I can take you off my email list...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Clark Kidd) – Lipstick Problem
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
According
to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI, was recently faced with
a unique problem. A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use
lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after
they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving
dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would
remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. He called
all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance
man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem
for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To
demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the
mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY....
There are teachers, and then there are Educators.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Fred Silver) – A Riddle
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
George
Bush meets with the Queen of
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent
people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around
me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen
pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would
you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, your Majesty?"
The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father
have a child. It is not your brother and it is
not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers,
"Well, your Majesty, that would be
me."
"Yes, Very good," says the Queen.
Bush
goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his Vice President,
the same question. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father
have a child. It's not
your brother and it's not your sister. Who is
it?"
"I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you on that one."
Cheney goes to his Advisors and asks every one, but none
can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the
men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in
the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me?
Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Cheney smiles, and says, "Gee thanks!"
Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say
George, I did some research and I have
the answer to that riddle, It's
Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony
Blair!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Jackster) – Elderly Couple
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly
couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and
says, " I just had a silent fart what do
you think I should do?"
He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing
aid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Neil Stenlake) – Chinese Sick Leave
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hung
Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss, I not come
work today... I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, and my legs and back
hurt. I not come work"
The
boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like
this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better
and I go to work. You try that."
Two
hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel
much better. I be at work soon. You got nice
house."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Barry Merrill) – Naughty Riddles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Naughty Riddles
Q.What
do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry
float.
Q: What's the fluid
capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1
Q: What did the sign on
the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to
Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What's the difference
between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it
in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit
of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to
turn around.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get
thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on
Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like
sex?
A: Because it's no big
deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: What's another name for
pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
Q: Why are Monica
Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding
evidence.
Q: What's the difference
between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a
light on.
Q: Why is sex like a
bridge game?
A: You don't need a
partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What's the definition
of macho?
A: Jogging home from your
own vasectomy.
Q: What do a Christmas
tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just
for decoration
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY
fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic
to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to
get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans
or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, friday funnies, NOT money!) are
actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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