Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES
can be found at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie
(text-only) and
at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
(full media)
|
Send an email to |
|
|
To subscribe |
To UNsubscribe |
17 February 2006
Hi Everyone!
Back
home … all is good … take a few extra minutes out today to check these out …
simply FAB! This weeks’ harvest yielded
many fruits with, well, sexual overtones!!
Thanks everybody!!
Have
a SuperDooperTerrificExcitingFun weekend!
:-)>
Dr Bernie
PS
– This weeks podcasts are at
--
o
Windows: http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net/podcasts/ffpcast060217.wmv
o
iPod: http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net/podcasts/ffpcast060217.mp4
o
If you are familiar with rss feeds
that will automatically retrieve the lastest podcast episodes to your “device of choice”: http://drbernie.is-a-geek.com:5050/fridayfunnies/podcasts/ffrssfeed.xml
Instructions
for iPods:
o
Using your iTunes software, click on
"Podcasts" on the left panel on the screen.
o
Next, on the Menu Bar at the top of the window, click "Advanced",
then "Subscribe to Podcast".
o
Enter the following URL: http://drbernie.is-a-geek.com:5050/fridayfunnies/podcasts/ffrssfeed.xml
o
That's it. The most recent podcast
should start playing automatically, and if you double-click "Dr Bernies Friday Funnies Podcast"
then the past few episodes should all
appear for you to download. This will also synch up with your iPod the next time you connect it to its docking station.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents
-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Someone Came Home Early?
- Face Lift
- The
Organist
- Some Things Are Just Worth Repeating
- Stevie
Wonder Meets Tiger Woods
- Something for the Ladies
- A New Study
- Think Before You Speak
- Dr Smith
- New Bumper Sticker
- Affairs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Eddie R) – Face Lift
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50Th birthday. She
spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk,
"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says
happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her
way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the
clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her
the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very
forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and
only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of
her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches
each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
"Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Jackieten) – The Organist
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The church organist was in
her eighties and had never been married. She
was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat
facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting
on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all
things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The
pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I
wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.
"Oh,
yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park
a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions
said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread
of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
The pastor fainted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net/movies/pepsi-italian-style.wmv
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Chas Young) - Stevie Wonder Meets Tiger Woods
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stevie
Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder
and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie
Wonder replies, "Not too bad how's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had
some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."
Stevie
says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing
for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been
playing for years."
Woods says, "But you're blind! How
can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to
stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play
the ball toward him. Then, when I get to
where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway
and again I play the ball toward his voice"
"But how do you putt?" asks
Woods.
Well," says Stevie,
"I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his
head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your
handicap?"
Stevie
says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't
take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than
$10,000 a hole."
Woods, thinking he's in for some easy
money replies, "OK, I'm up for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie
says, "Pick a night."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
EMDAlan) – Something for the Ladies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net/movies/smack-the-pony.wmv
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Charlie Z) – A New Study
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind
of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is
in her menstrual cycle.
For
example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine
features.
However,
if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors
lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.
Further
studies in this area have been canceled.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you
ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or
that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who
did....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I
turned around and walked back out and never went back My
husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy
with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I
was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works
at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him
and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of
candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the
counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at
your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and
I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me
forget.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news
anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to
the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me
last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did
too they were laughing so hard!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Frank Ingrassia) – Dr Smith
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr.
Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,
"Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." and you'll grow
them".
She did this faithfully
for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized that
she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might
lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right
there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby
doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A
guy sitting nearby looked at her, “By any chance, are you a patient of Dr.
Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned
closer, winked and whispered, "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Steven E Bertone) – New Bumper Sticker
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Cousin Gaylannie) – Affairs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her
place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8
PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and
rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where
have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he
replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all
afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying
bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having
a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The
wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to
the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had
ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this
baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling
around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not
this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr.
Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So,
he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have
something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his
briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A
woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front
door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed
baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum
powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said,
" pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the
husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she
replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us,
too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the
husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two
days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The
5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered
a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one
cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and
asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the
man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied:
"Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing
upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm
doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted,
"I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her
best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, “now just rest
and let the poison work."
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY
fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic
to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to
get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans
or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, friday funnies, NOT money!) are
actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly
to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this fUNNIES
from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list?
Send an Email to fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@yahoogroups.com . That's all there is to it!
Need to unsubscribe? Send an Email to fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
Finally, current and past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2006.
All Rights Reserved.