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24 February 2006
Hi Everyone!
We’ve
sprinkled this weeks’ fUNNIES
with some great photos from
:-)>
Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents
-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- $20
- Culled from Zagat Resturant Reviews
- Life Support
- Things We’d Like to
Say Out Loud at Work
- Dwarf With a Lisp
- Valentine’s Day
Rhymes
- Dexterity
- Cajun Rationale
- Aging and Sex
- Way Cool
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Don) - $20
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On
their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for
$20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his aroused state, her
husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated
each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was
a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon
one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken
state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was
going though a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It
was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that
paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially
ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed
him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and
interest totally nearly $ 1 million. Then she showed him certificates of
deposit issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million and informed him
that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained
that for more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these
holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and
investments.
Faced with evidence of
cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he
could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If
I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Dick Sziede) - Culled
from Zagat Resturant
Reviews
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Suffers
from delusions of adequacy.
- Took
a doggy bag home; the dog refused it.
- Be
sure to sit in the no-shooting section.
- If
this place doesn’t get you laid, nothing will.
- Saves
fuel bills - the heartburn will keep you warm all winter.
- The
immature eating the indelible.
- Like
a skunk, it's small, it's cute and it stinks.
- Abandon
taste buds all ye who enter here.
- A
petri dish gone horribly, horribly wrong.
- Better
service in a self-help gas station.
- The
roaches always get the best seats.
- Chef’s
responsibility is to turn on the microwave.
- They
put the salmon in salmonella.
- If
I want a fatty sandwich served by a walking attitude, I'll go to mom’s.
- The
proportions are the size of Jesse Helms’ grants to the arts.
- Grandma
cooked like this, grandpa died young.
- Good
seafood, but the waiter should be used as fish bait.
- Not
what it used to be and it did not used to be much.
- Duck
must have had a long flight - tired, tough and took 90 minutes to arrive.
- Portions
so small I started laughing - prices so high I started crying.
- Have
yet to learn that heat is an integral part of the cooking process.
- For
the price, the lobster should have come via overnight express, not pony
express.
- ‘Breaking
bread’ should not mean you have to use the side of the table.
- The
quiche of death.
- Should
shut down the restaurant and just serve the view.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Chas Young) - Life Support
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While
watching basketball the other night, my partner and I were discussing life and
death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."
She
promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Some days I hate living with a smart
lady.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Tom Sokolowski) – Things We’d Like to Say Out Loud at Work
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us
again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dwarf with a lisp goes to a stud farm to buy a horse,
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the
owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse ?"
asks the owner.
"A female horth",
the dwarf replies and so the owner takes him to his finest mare. "Nithe horth", says the
dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?"
The owner patiently picks up the dwarf and shows him
the horse's eyes. “Nithe eyth"
says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?".
Again, the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth. "Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?"
the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again,
picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's ears. "Nithe
eerth", says the dwarf, "Can I see her twot?"
With this, the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his
head deep inside the horse's vagina and holds him there for a few seconds
before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and
says, "Perhaps I should weefwaze that, can I see
her wun awound?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(fromNeil Stenlake) - Valentine’s Day
Rhymes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These
are entries to a
line.
Love
may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
I
thought that I could love no other
Until,
that is, I met your brother.
Roses
are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But
the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is
your head.
Of
loving beauty you float with grace
If
only you could hide your face.
Kind,
intelligent, loving and hot
This
describes everything you are not.
I
want to feel your sweet embrace
But
don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I
love your smile, your face, and your eyes Damn, I'm
good at telling lies!
My
darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying
you screwed up my life.
I
see your face when I am dreaming.
That's
why I always wake up screaming.
My
love, you take my breath away.
What
have you stepped in to smell this way?
My
feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell".
What
inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts
vodka, one part lime.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Joel Goldstein) – Dexterity: Try This
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't know if
you seen this. It's pretty cool. Get to level
"three"... and you're an
"expert". This really tests your dexterity ....among other
things. http://www.winterrowd.com/maze.swf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from DSkin) - Cajun
Rationale
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boudreaux,
the smoothest-talking Cajun in the
Before long, the officer in charge of the induction center began noticing that
Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was
odd, because it would cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month
for the higher coverage, compared to what
the government was already providing at no charge.
The officer decided he wouldn't ask Boudreaux directly about his selling techniques.
Instead, he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing
and observe Boudreaux's sales
pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said,
"If you has
da normal GI insurans an'
you goes to
"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna
send ta
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Charlie Z) – Aging and Sex
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An
old man in his mid eighties struggles to get up from the couch
then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
"Why, are you sick?"
"Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker
and begins to put on her coat. The old man looks at her and says &q