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3 March 2006
Hi Everyone!
Lots
of fUNNIES joke contributions this week – I’m
guessing that the lunatics of the earth didn’t have much else to do at work
other than send jokes to one another!!
Thanks everybody!! Have a SuperDooperTerrificExcitingFun weekend!
:-)>
Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents
-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- When Arthur
Davidson Died
- Pincus
the Tailor
- A Clean Joke
- A Couple of
Pictures
- Public
Service Message
- Optical Illusions
- At the Welfare
Office
- A Blonde Wins An
Argument
- Mt Sinai
- Curtain Rods
- Jokes of the Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Nel Stenlake) - When Arthur Davidson
Died
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to
Heaven. At the gates, St Peter told Arthur: "Since you've been such a good
man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can
hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur
thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with
God." St Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God
recognised Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you
were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said,
"Yeah, that's me.." God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable,
makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
Arthur
was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke. "Excuse me, but aren't you
the inventor of women?" God said, "Ah yes" "Well" said
Arthur. "professional to professional, you too
have some design flaws in your invention".
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front
end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and
wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the
exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous.
"Hmmm, you may have some good points
there", replies God, "Hold on". God went to his celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The
computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my
invention is flawed" God said to Arthur, "but according to these
numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
DASDBill) – Pincus
the Tailor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews, went to Pincus
the tailor for new suits.
"Pincus," Yacov
said, "the last time for new suits we came to you, we told you we wanted
black suits. The suits were not black you made. They were sort of dark gray
maybe, but not black. We need new suits, and this time we want black suits,
from the darkest black cloth there is."
Pincus reached behind for a bolt of cloth and he
said, "See this cloth? It is from this fabric that for nuns I make the habits . In all the world," Pincus said, fingering the bolt of fabric, "there is
no blacker cloth than the cloth I make nuns' habits from. It is from this cloth
that I'll make your new suits!"
A few weeks later the two Hassidim were walking down the street in their new
suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, Yacov Went up to one of the nuns. He grabbed her sleeve and held
it up against his own. Then, in an angry voice, he muttered something to his
friend and they both walked on.
"What did that man want?" one nun asked the other.
"I don't know," she replied, "he looked at my garment, said
something in Latin, and left."
"In Latin?" asked the first nun. "What did he say?"
He said, "Marcus Pincus Fuctus".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Frank Ingrassia) – A Clean Joke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It
is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news. Please
join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the
belly. He was 71.
Doughboy
was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth,
Hungry Jack, the
Aunt
Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy
rose quickly in show business, but his later
life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered
a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy
is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough
and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at
3:50 for about 20 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Words of Wisdom.
A fortune to remember.
Stay off the course . . or else!
Not my job
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Dave Thorn and from Tom Dennison) – Public Service
Message
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.yucs.org/%7Eephraim/bushlip/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Irving4) – Optical Illusions
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Absolutely great!
http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net/Movies/OpticalIllusions.pps
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Jeannie Hopf via Chuck) – At the Welfare Office
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids
. "WOW," the social worker exclaims," are
they ALL YOURS???" "Yep they
are all mine,"
the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, "Sit down Leroy."
All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to
sign up. I'll need all your children's
names."
"This
one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy,
also." The social worker raises an
eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named
Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
"All
right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL
named Leroy?" Their Momma replied,
"Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and
ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' 'An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they
all comes arunnin. 'An' if I need to stop the kid
who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's
the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all
Leroy."
The
social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says
tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole
bunch?" "I call them by their
last names."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Tom Sokolowski) – A Blonde Wins An Argument
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last year I replaced all the
windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy
efficient kind.
This week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining
that the work had been completed a whole year
ago and I hadn't paid for them.
Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I
told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely,
that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo?
It's been a year! (I told him)
There was only silence at the other end of the
line, so I finally just hung up....
He didn't call back.
Guess I won that stupid argument!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
EMDAlan) – Mt Sinai
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Smith climbs to the top of
The Lord
replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a
million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks," Can I have penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a
minute".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(From Judy Hirsch) – Curtain Rods
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She spent the
first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second
day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third
day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by
candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of
shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room
and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shell dipped in
caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then
cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the
husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything,
cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.
Vents were
checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were
hung everywhere.
Exterminators
were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for
a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool
carpeting.
Nothing
worked.
People stopped
coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid
quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to
move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in
half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to
return their calls.
Finally, they
had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how
things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened
politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing
to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his
ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about
1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the
papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers
delivered the paperwork.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
SymanSays) – Jokes of the Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOKE
OF THE DAY:
Ken: "There's nothing like getting up at five in the morning and taking and ice cold shower and a five-mile
long jog before breakfast." Bob: "How long have you been doing
this?"
Ken: "I start tomorrow."
~~~~~
Murphy's Laws for Parents: -From Joke-OF-The-Day-
1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leakproof thermoses-- will.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly
proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the
argument over whose day it is to
take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that
needs to be washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds,
will be found in the last place you look.
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters
the treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the
refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically
increases if you drive your child
to school in your robe and curlers.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY
fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to
other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to
get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans
or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, friday funnies, NOT money!) are
actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly
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fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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