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  10 March 2006

Hi Everyone!  

Ah – blondes return, as well as old people … and the usual almost perverted jokes too.  Be sure to try out the ‘Dexterity’ game – it’s a killer!

Have a dynamite weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contents -  
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(from Neil Stenlake) – Father Figure

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A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello.  He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.

 

So he says "do you know me?"

 

To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my children."

 

He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says..."My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my rear with wet celery?"

 

Suddenly looking very uncomfortable, she said "No, I'm your son's Math teacher."

 

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(from Eddie R) – The Retired Irishmen

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As St. Patrick's Day arrives next week, please enjoy some of this Irish Humor.

 

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when 'Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

 

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

 

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home." '"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife. '"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher

 

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(from Judy Hirsch) – Jack S.

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<video>

 

  http://home.pacbell.net/diana_do/knowjack.htm

 

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(from Chas Young) – Sex Life

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When the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge.

 

Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty."  "May I have the other 10 years?" asked Man. The Monkey agreed.

 

The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only wanted 10, so again Man asked for the remaining ten.

 

Then came the Donkey, who was also granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough.  Man again asked for the spare ten years and got them.

 

This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion 'bout it, and 10 years of making an ass out of himself.

 

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(from  SyHSays) – Polish Sausage

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A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some Polish Sausage. The clerk looks at him and asked, "Are you Polish?"

 

The guy clearly offended, says "Well, yes, I am, but let me ask you  sonmething. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I  was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or, if I asked you for a Kosher Hiot Dog, would you ask me if I was  Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco would you ask me if I was Mexican?]

 

The clerk says, "Well, no."

 

"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?

 

'Well, I probably wouldn't.'

 

With self-indignation, the guy says, '"Well, all right then, why do you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish Sausage."

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot!"

 

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(from Tom Sokolowski) – Raisin or Just Tryin’?

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  A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

    One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please" the man says politely.

    The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.

    As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

    With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.

    Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at  the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it a raisin for you, too?"

    "No," stammers the old man, "but its a-quiverin'"

 

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(from Barbara Rosenberg) – 2 Old Dames

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Two old women are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of them pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

 

Maude: What in the hell is that?

 

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

 

Maude: Where did you get it?

 

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

 

The next day, Maude hobbles into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

 

The pharmacist stares at her (She is, after all, over 80 years old), but delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

 

"Doesn't matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

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(from Frank Ingrassia) – A Tough Dexterity Game

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Try this, it is simple but truly challenging.

The object of the game is to simply survive by moving the red block around without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black perimeter walls.

If you can survive longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal. It's been said that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots. They are expected to survive for at least 2 minutes.

 

http://tinyurl.com/56t9u

 

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(from Charlie Z) – Getting Old

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A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well  dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel  smelling  slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well  looked-after image, walks into an upscale  cocktail lounge.   Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a  sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"


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(from Irvingr4) – Lost Wedding Ring

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This is a very funny little clip –

http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net/movies/lostweddingring.wmv

 

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, friday funnies, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski

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