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17 March 2006
Hi Everyone!
Happy St Patty’s Day to ya!
Here in metro NY the insanity
began at 11am … and I’m sure it’ll last thru the weekend. So if you have a bit of Irish in you (or just
want to), drink some green beer or have a green bagel and enjoy the weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
PS – Great pictures of
Sons Who Make Their Dads Proud are spinkled throughout the full media edition
this week thanks to Dick Sziede
PPS
– St Patty’s Day podcasts (click either .wmv or .mp4) are up at the fRIDAY fUNNIES
website too!
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Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- At the Beauty Parlor
- Some Irish Luck
- A Florida Biker & His
Babe
- Let The Buyer Beware
- World War Three
- Working Math & Language Arts
Into Curricula
- Chinese Proverbs
- Towel Heads
- German Coast Guard
- Investment
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom
Sokolowski) – At the Beauty Parlor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
woman said to her beautician as she sat down for her appointment, "When
you're finished with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful?"
"Maybe,"
replied the beautician, "does he still drink a lot?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Stan
Kegel) - Some Irish Luck
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Patrick O'Reilly was lucky. Since the day
he had found that four-leaf clover, everything good seeemd to come his way.
He had met the wonderful Rosie, and after a whirlwind romance, they were
married. And now a year after, he was the proud father of beautiful twins, a
boy and a girl.
At work, the story was the same. He had been promoted and had received a
substantial raise, and now the firm had come up with a profit sharing plan.
Patty was certain his good fortune was due to his four-leaf clover.
Everywhere he went, he was ceratin to be carrying the talisman in his suit
pocket.
One morning, Patty could not find the clover.
He searched the house, but it was not there. In panic, he tried to recall when
he had last seen it. He finally recalled it was in his grey suit that he had
dropped off at the dry cleaners.
He rushed to the cleaners only to find that the work had been completed and his
suit was ready to be picked up. He searched the suit and found the four-leaf
clover, still in one piece but now flattened from the dry cleaning.
From that day on, Patty's fortunes changed. Life was good, but was no longer
perfect. The little inconveniences were always there.
He had a flat tire as he was driving to an important meeting.
The twins developed measles when his boss and his wife were over for dinner.
No, Patty's life had changed. He still carried the amulet, but he was certainly
not living under the silver lining he was used to and had come to expect.
Finally, he had had enough.
He visited the parish priest to see if he could help him understand what had
happened.
"This certainly should have been expected," he was told. "You
should have known that it is never right to press one's luck."`
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(a photo from
Sokolowski) – A
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from emdalan)
– Let The Buyer Beware
(movie)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net/movies/caveatemptor.wmv
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Cousin
GaylannieK) – World War Three
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the
One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first
question, "Will we have to fight
in a World War Three, sir?"
"Yes, gentlemen. It looks like you will," answers the
General.
"And who will be our enemy, General?" another officer
asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China." replies
the General
The class is attentive, and finally one officer asks, "But
General, we are 300 million people and
they are 1.2 billion. How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the General, "Think about it. In
modern warfare, it's not the quantity, but the
quality that is the key. Look at the
"But sir," continues the inquisitive officer, "Do
we have enough Jews?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from 99 via
Barry) – Working Math & Language Arts Into Curricula
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Conversion Table
1. Ratio of an igloo's
circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of
Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a
mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between
slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist
carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to
sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =
Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the
Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large
intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1
megahertz
10. Basic unit of
laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance
between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham
crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million
microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 1 million bicycles
= 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1
unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds =
2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1
decacards
18. 1 kilogram of
falling figs = 1 Fig
19. 1000 milliliters of
wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a
fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1
terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1
decoration
23. 100 rations = 1
C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1
diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2
paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles
of intravenous surgical tubing at
27. 100 Senators = Not
1 decision
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man who run
in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who walk
through airport turnstile sideways going to
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
John Meeker) – Towel Heads (cartoon)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net/movies/germancoastguard.mpg
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from TomD) - Investment
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Check the
guy in the lower left......... that's Bill Gates. Paul Allen, the owner of the
Seattle Seahawks with a net worth around $20 billion is on the far right, lower
corner!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More Sons
Who Make Their Dads Proud …
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly
distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics
to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended
to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions
(jokes, friday funnies, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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