Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only) and
at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net (full media)

  24 March 2006

Hi Everyone!  

We begin this weeks’ fUNNIES issue with a quickie, and a leftover St. Patty’s Irish joke. Then we hail old people … and then we pick on them a couple of times. We lament over the time of year that plagues all of us, explore some recent archaeological results … and finally come back to help men with their most dominant problem.

Yup just another week of insanity!

Hey, if you have 4 minutes and 27 seconds, surf over to http://marketplace.espeakers.com/movie.php?sid=5290&aid=10558 . As good as it gets for me: Beatles and juggling.  Absolutely hypnotic.  Hope you like this version of the Golden Slumbers medley from Abbey Road (thanks to both DASDBill and Dave Thorn for sending me the link to pass on).

Have a GREAT first weekend of Spring!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contents -  
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(from Chaz Young) – The Soldier

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A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."

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(from Tom Sokolowski) – Ya Gotta Love the Irish

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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

 

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

 

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.  One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

 

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

 

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

 

One day, he comes in and orders two pints.   All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

 

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

 

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

 

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(from HankL via Barry) – A Good Golf Story

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 A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.  She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them.  Naturally, the guys all agreed.

 Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead.  But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots. With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it and I have faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole.

(She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly." The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak.  I've left a tricky little putt." Before tapping in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of  the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

 When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really  like to break 70 on this course.

 If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him  back to my apartment, pour some 25- year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix himdinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night.

"The yuppie son jumped at the thought.  He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm.  It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.

"The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb.”Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to  the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.

"The old gray haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"

 AGE WILL TRIUMPH OVER YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME.  Never underestimate the old guy...he is smarter than you!!

 

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(from Dave Thorn) – At the Bar

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An elderly man walks into a bar.  It's obvious that he's 90 years old if he's a day.  But he looks great: tanned, dressed very well, and carrying himself confidently.  He walks to the bar and sits down next to an elderly woman.  She's younger than he is but is at least 80. The man orders a drink, checking out the woman out of the corner of his eye. His drink arrives.  He takes a sip.

 

He turns to the woman and says: "So......do I come here often?"

 

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(from Margaret Greenberg) – Poor Rachel, Poor Abe

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Rachel comes home and says to her husband, "Abe, I have just been to the Doctor. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that I have an unpleasant heart condition and I have only 6 months to live. The good news is that during these 6 months I am going to be happy, I am going to live life to the full, I am going to enjoy myself!"

"Of course my dear, whatever you want you can have..."

"I would like to have my portrait painted, so you will remember me as all happy."

"Of course my dear," and Abe commissions an artist.

As Rachel is sitting for the portrait, she says to the artist, "Excuse me please. Can I have a look? ... Yes, very nice. Only... on my ears put earrings - emeralds with little diamonds."

The artist continues painting when she asks to have another look. "Hmmm, very nice. Around my neck put a necklace - turquoises with pearls ... Ah, yes, and put rings on my left hand fingers, to go with my earrings."

Paint, paint, paint.

She has another look and says, "It is very good. I would like you to paint me with my right hand touching my left shoulder, and put a bracelet with a big topaz in the centre with lots of little diamonds all around."

Finally the portrait is finished and she takes it home.

"There you are Abe, look! How do you like it?"

"Oh! It is beautiful! But... what is mit all this jewellery? You never had this jewellery..."

"I know, Abe, I know. But after I die a year will go by, maybe two, and you will get married again. And when you do, I want her to have plenty aggravation looking for it."

 

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(from DASDBill) – New Songs for Baby Boomers

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They include:

1. Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
2. The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
3. Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
4. Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
5. Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
6. Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now
7. Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
8. Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
9. Marvin Gaye -- Heard it Through the Grape Nuts
10. Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair
11. Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
12. The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
13. Abba -- Denture Queen
14. Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
15. Helen Reddy -- I am Woman, Hear Me Snore
16. Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again

 

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(from Sokolowski) – Time of Year

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As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS"?

 

 

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(from Neil Stenlake) – A Fable

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George W. Bush and a secret service agent are taking a stroll when they come upon a little girl carrying a basket with a blanket over it. Curious, Bush asks the girl, "What's in the basket?"

 

She replies, "New baby kittens," and she opens the basket to show him.

 

"How nice," says Bush. "What kind are they?"

 

The little girl says, "Republicans."

 

Bush smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on. Three weeks later, Bush is taking another stroll, this time with Karl Rove. They see the little girl again with the same basket.

 

Bush says, "Watch this, Karl --- it's really cute." They approach the little girl. Bush greets her and asks how the kittens are doing, and she says, "Fine."

 

Then, smirking, he nudges Rove with his elbow and asks the little girl, "And can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?"

 

She  replies, "Democrats."

 

Aghast, Bush says, "But three weeks ago you said they were Republicans!"

 

"I know," she says. "But now their eyes are open"...

 

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(from firas El Choum) – Indians Are So Smart

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After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 meters and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians.

One week later, the Indian newspapers reported the following:
After digging as deep as 500 meters, indian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using Bluetooth and Wireless technology.


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(from Stenlake) – A Flower Shop That Men Understand

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, friday funnies, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski

 Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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