Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only) and
at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net (full media)

  31 March 2006

Hi Everyone!  

Old folks are back … fishing … and even one to get everyone ready for Passover … thanks to all … My warmest wishes for a whackie sooperdooper weekend!!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Contents -  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Tom Sokolowski) – Lonely Widow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: 

HUSBAND WANTED: 
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. 

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. 

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you ... you have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" 

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted. 

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!" 

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??" 

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" 

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday...

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(another from Sokolowski) – Bottle of Wine

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine:

 

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

 

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

 

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
 
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
 
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Symansays) – Fishing Joke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A banker and two of his customers went fishing in a small row boat. A heavy squall came upon them and swamped the boat. Two of the men could swim, but the banker couldn't. He was sinking.

 

"Say, George," one of the customers called after seeing the banker floundering, "are you all right? Can you float alone?'

 

"You jerk," screamed the banker, "here I am drowning and you want to talk business!"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Cousin Gaylannie) – Matzo Man

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Matzo Man

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Neil Stenlake) – The Restaurant

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house.  After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

 

 The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we  went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.  I would  recommend it very highly.

 

 The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

 

 The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is  the name of that flower you give to someone you love?  You know  ... the one that's red and has thorns."

 

 "Do you mean a rose?"

 

 "Yes, that's the one," replied the man.  He then turned towards  the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that  restaurant we went to last night?"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from EMDAlan) - Breakfast

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.  He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they have sex.  Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

She says "The egg timer's broken!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Lyn Hecker) – The Potatoes

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

And when she went out west,to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......

 

A COMMON TATER

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Ziggy) – Polish Digital Clock

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It really works!  http://www.yugop.com/ver3/stuff/03/fla.html

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Sokolowski) – Can of Worms

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

 

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

 

Don't you just love little old ladies????


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Stenlake) – Probably a True Story

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work.

 

"Guess what, mate?" says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar."

 

"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.

 

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."

 

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.

 

"I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."

 

"Really?" says the second IT guy, "You got a new laptop?"

 

 

 +++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, friday funnies, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Send an Email to
 fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@yahoogroups.com .  That's all there is to it!

Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

Finally, current and past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Bernie Domanski

 Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2006.  All Rights Reserved.