Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only) and
at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net (full media)

  7 April 2006

Hi Everyone!  

Passover starts next Wed night, with Easter close behind … spring is here!  Yay!  This week’s fUNNIES offend lots of people … please remember that this is ALL in good fun, that I am Jewish … and Polish … so, what the heck!

Have a great weekend … and enjoy the Matzoh Festival!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contents -  
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(from Shelly Domanski) – A Passover Animation (from my wife!)

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Shelly says it’s a good one!  Happy Matzoh Festival!!

Click Here

 

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(from EMDAlan) – A Young Man and Mom

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A young Jewish man falls in love with a Native American woman and they decide to get married.  When his mother hears the news, however, she is extremely distressed because she wanted him, of course, to marry a nice Jewish girl.

 When she hears that not only is he marrying this Native American girl but has decided to live with her on the reservation, the mother becomes so upset that she refuses to even speak to the boy, practically disowning him.  After a year, the son telephones the mother to tell her that he and his wife are expecting a child.  The mother is happy for him, but there is still quite a bit of tension in the air.

Nine months later, the son calls the mother again.  "Mom," he says, ''just wanted you to know that last night Moonlight-on-the-Lake gave birth to a healthy baby boy, your grandson.  I also wanted to tell you that we've talked it over and we have decided to give the boy a Jewish name."

Upon hearing this, the mother is overjoyed.  "Oh, Seymour, this is wonderful!" she gushes.  "I've been waiting for this moment all my life. You have made me the happiest new grandma in the world."

"And what," asks the mother, "is the baby's name?"

Seymour proudly replies, "Smoked Whitefish."

 

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(from Neil Stenlake) – The Husband Store

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A Husband Store has just opened in New York City that sells husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

 

"You may visit this store *ONLY ONCE!* There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you *CANNOT* go back own except to exit the building!

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

 

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

 

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

 

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and sign reads:

 

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:

 

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the Sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

 

The 1st first floor has wives that love sex. The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money. The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

 

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(from Barbara Rosenberg) – Grandparents
<photos mixed with text>

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A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation.
One child wrote the following: 

We always spend our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, 

but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.  They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. 

 

They ride around on big tricycles 

and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. 

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.  There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on.  I guess they don't know how to swim. 

At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. 

Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. 

My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.

 

Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck. 

    

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

 

 

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(from Ken via Aunt Marilyn) – You Just Can’t Make This Stuff Up!  <photo>

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(from Don) – Polish Eye Test

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

         C Z W I X N O S T A C Z

 

 "Can you read this?" the optician asked.

 

 "Read it?" the guy replied. "I know the guy."

 

 

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(from Mike Salsburg) -
At Some Point You Have To Give Up The Daisy Dukes
<photo>

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(from Frank Ingrassia & from Cousin Toby) – Tension Reliever

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http://www.therightfoot.net/mystuff/whatever/swf/bubblewrap.swf


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(fromDick Sziede) - Mensa Invitational

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The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

 

Here are the 2005 winners:

 

 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

 

 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an  asshole.

 

 3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

 

 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

 

 5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid  people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign ofbreaking down in the near future.

 

 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

 

 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

 

 9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

 

 10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

 

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The Washington Post has also published the winners to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

 

The winners are:

 

 1. Coffee (n.): the person upon whom one coughs.

 

 2. Flabbergasted (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained.

 

 3. Abdicate (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

 

 4. Esplanade (v.): to attempt an explanation while  drunk.

 

 5. Negligent (adj.): describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

 

 6. Lymph (v.): to walk with a lisp.

 

 8. Gargoyle (n.): olive-flavored mouthwash.

 

 9. Flatulence (n.): emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are runover by a steamroller.

 

 10. Balderdash (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.

 

 11. Testicle (n.): a humorous question on an exam.   


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(from Jackster) – Polish Divorce

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A Polish man moved to the U.S. and married an American girl. Although
his English was far from perfect, they got along very well, until one day
he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a
divorce for him, "very quick."


The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on
the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

 

Lawyer: "Have you any grounds?"                                  
Polish Man: "Ja, Ja, acre and half and nice                      
little home."                                                    
                                                                 
Lawyer: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"        
Polish Man: "It made of concrete."                               
                                                                 
Lawyer: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"                 
Polish Man: "No, we have carport, and not need one."             
                                                                 
Lawyer: "I mean, What are your relations like?"                  
Polish Man: "All my relations still in Poland."                  
                                                                 
Lawyer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"              
Polish Man: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set                  
and good DVD player."                                            
                                                                      
Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?"                             
Polish Man: "No, I always up before her."                        
                                                                 
Lawyer: "Is your wife a nagger?"                                 
Polish Man: "No, she white."                                     
                                                                 
Lawyer: "Why do you want this divorce?"                          
Polish Man: "She going to kill me."                              
                                                                 
Lawyer: "What makes you think that?"                             
Polish Man: "I got proof.                                        
                                                                 
Lawyer: "What kind of proof?"                                    
Polish Man: "She going to poison me. She buy a                   
bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read and 
it say, Polish Remover." 

 

 

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, friday funnies, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski

 Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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