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14 April 2006
Hi Everyone!
Passover … Easter … Zen … Church … Cheney ….Pancakes … Advertising …
and, well, you just never know! It’s all
in this weeks’ issue of the fRIDAY
fUNNIES. Enjoy
your weekend … your holiday … and have a GREAT time!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·
Top 10 Little Known Facts About
Dick Cheney
·
Pancakes
·
Church
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mike Salsburg) – The 2–Minute Haggadah
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
Two-Minute Haggadah
A Passover service for the impatient.
By
Michael Rubiner
Posted
Tuesday, April 11, 2006, at 1:25 PM ET
Opening
prayers:
Thanks,
God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)
Thanks
for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)
Overview:
Once we were slaves in
Four
questions:
1.
What's up with the matzoh?
2.
What's the deal with horseradish?
3.
What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4.
What's this whole slouching at the table business?
Answers:
1.
When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent
bread.
2.
Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3.
It's called symbolism.
4.
Free people get to slouch.
A
funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then
it was morning. (Heat soup now.)
The
four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise
child-explain Passover.
Simple
child-explain Passover slowly.
Silent
child-explain Passover loudly.
Wicked
child-browbeat in front of the relatives.
Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever
finds it gets five bucks.
The
story of Passover: It's a long time ago. We're slaves in
Pharaoh
is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We
escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the
now.)
The
10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice-you name it.
The
singing of "Dayenu":
If
God had gotten us out of
If
he'd parted the
Eat
matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.
Thanks
again, God, for everything.
SERVE
MEAL.
Michael
Rubiner writes for movies and television. His work
has appeared in many publications, including The New Yorker, the New York
Times, and Rolling Stone.
Article
URL: http://www.slate.com/id/2139601/ Copyright 2006
Washingtonpost.Newsweek
Interactive
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - Sister Margaret Mary
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sister
Margaret Mary was a model nun all of her life, until she was called
to get her just rewards. As she
approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret
Mary...not so fast!"
"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by
the sisters at the convent to my dying breath... I have lived for
this moment!" Sister Margaret Mary exclaimed in disbelief.
"That is precisely the problem," replied St. Peter, "...you
never learned right
from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong".
"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret Mary
pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a
cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then."
ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret Mary returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then
immediately called St. Peter,
coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my
mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw
up".
"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a
feel for right
and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are
ready."
Sister Margaret Mary phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack
Daniels.
"Saint Peter, I feel woozy... that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it
is all I can do to keep it down."
"Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said
St. Peter with delight.
"Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, and then call
me."
A week passed before Sister Margaret Mary called St. Peter and left a message: "Yo, Pete...it's Peggy...It's gonna
be a while!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dave Thorn) – Top 10 Little Known Facts About Dick Cheney
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10.
Has iPod pacemaker that keeps his heart beating to Aerosmith
9.
Enjoys reading his grandson excerpts from shady defense contracts
8.
His preferred afternoon snack? Sticks of
butter dipped in gravy
7.
Not sure if this is significant but he was the last person to see Don
Knotts alive
6.
Went to Vegas last month and put a lot of money on "
5.
In 1994, underwent a failed sneer-reduction
procedure
4.
Even though it's proper etiquette to call him "Mr
Vice President", more
people than ever are
calling him "Dick"
3.
His undisclosed location is a Hooters in
2.
Loves the elderly -- well, shooting at them
1. His approval rating is now lower than
his number of heart attacks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chas Young) – You Just Never Know!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look
for money and guns. Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy
out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's
wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets
up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers
over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is
an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman
in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,
don't resist, don't complain...... do whatever
he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill
us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't
kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that
he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I
told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love
you too!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jackster) – Zen Philosophy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk
ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside
me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky
tire.
3.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to
steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do
it.
4.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5.
Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile
in their shoes. That way, when you
criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for
a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see
that person again, it was Probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have
to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days
you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get
to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money
is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has
a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing
with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't
learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get
until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take
a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) – New Invention
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I went to the US I said, "A folding bottle." She said, "Okay. What do you call it?" "A Fottle."
"What else do you have?" "A folding carton."
"What do you call it?" "A Farton."
She
sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds
kind of crude." I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and
left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from ricktrap) – Truth
in Advertising (photo)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Sokolowski) - Pancakes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brenda and Steve took their
six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that
although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned
about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor
confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the
problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm
pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two," Brenda
replied. "The rest are for your father."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Sokolowski) - Church
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man went to church one day and
afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said
"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned
good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand
dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No shit?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dave Torn) – Our Fearless Leader (photo)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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