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21 April 2006
Hi Everyone!
Hi Everybody! Hope the
weekend has great fun in store for you … These fUNNIES
are G R E AT … enjoy!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Butch the Rooster
- Eve’s Side of the Story
- Birds & the Bees
- Moral:
Pay Attention
- Some Truths
- Firing Squad
- Job Resume
- Blonde Cookbook
- Sure Honey!
- Free BBQ Grill
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chuck Hopf) – Butch the Rooster
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John the farmer was in the fertilized
egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and
eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster
that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he
bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so
John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit
on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the
bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old
Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John
noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
John went to investigate. The other
roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming,
would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him
in the county fair .
Butch became an overnight sensation
among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the "No
Clearly Butch was a Liberal in the
making. Who else but a Liberal could figure out how to win two of the most
highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the
populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jackieten) – Eve’s
Side of the Story
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied.
"The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights,
everything is wonderful, I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out
and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and
snagging them on bushes. I do hate to complain but, they're a real pain,"
reported Eve.
Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs,
such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that having just two breasts
might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced."
"That's a fair point," replied God,
"But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six
breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you
are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, but
for one oversight. "You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a
ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me."
"Sometimes I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How
could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create
a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put that useless
boob?"
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that stuff about the rib?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Cousin Toby) – A Cute Version of the Birds
& the Bees
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I
born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to
find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got
together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and
we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother
agreed to do a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had
used a
firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and
said.............. You've Got Male."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dave Thorn) – Moral: Pay Attention
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Does anyone think that guys don’t notice?
http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net/movies/secretary.wmv
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Irving4) – Some Truths
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was in the
Completely
ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line
pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned
the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So,
which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't
it be great if that happened more often?!
They were seated immediately.
They were seated immediately.
****
Women
and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should get used to the idea.
****
I
love this one
Smith climbs to the top of
The
Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million
dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks,
"Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
****
A
man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I
have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning
me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me.
What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk
to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later
the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on
the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes, and the
Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from HankL via
Barry) – Firing Squad
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Firing Squad
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a
small Central American country.
Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the
order was given he yelled out, “Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a
panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled
and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al
yelled out, “Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped
over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking,
"I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and
hop over the wall."
He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As
the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled,
“Fire!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Don) – Job Resume
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My
first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I
couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods
as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me
the axe.
After that, I tried to be
a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a
sew-sew job.
Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut
the mustard.
My best job was a musician, but eventually I found I
wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a
professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net
income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the
work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't
fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a
historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working in
Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara
Rosenberg) – Blonde Cookbook
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MONDAY: It's fun
to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs
separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY:
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I
didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil
Stenlake) – Sure Honey!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several
men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A
Mobile phone on a bench starts to ring and a man engages the hands-free
speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:
MAN:
"Hello
WOMAN:
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?
MAN:
"Yes
WOMAN:
"I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only
$1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN:
"Sure, go ahead if you like it that much
WOMAN:
"I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 Models. I
saw one I really liked."
MAN:
"How much?"
WOMAN:
"$65,000
MAN:
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options
WOMAN:
"Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on
the market. They're asking $950,000
MAN:
"Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."
WOMAN:
"OK. I'll see you later! I love you
MAN:
"Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The
other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles
and asks: "Anyone knows whose phone this is?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John
Meeker) – Free BBQ Grill <photo>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This
is not a joke. You can get a free BBQ grill from any of the following stores:
Albertsons
Costco
Home
Depot
Kmart
Ralphs
Safeway
Sam's
Club
Stater
Bro
Target
Trader
Joe
Vons
Wal-Mart
I
especially like the higher shelf which can be used for keeping things warm!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly
distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
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intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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