tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES by Dr Bernie

Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only) and
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12 May 2006

Hi Everyone!

Get your speakers ready, and fire your browser up … this weeks’ fUNNIES are filled with sound, photos, and movies! Quite hysterical !! Give yourself a couple of minutes with these … it will be worth it!

Stay loose, stay cool, stay great! Have a Sooooper weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contents -
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· I Was Laughing Out Loud to This

· A Women’s Poem

· Pass Him On

· Grandpa Benny

· The Golfer

· Thought for Today

· Toot Tone

· The Irish Mental Health Hotline

· The Guys’ Rules

· Water

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(from Michael Salsburg) – I Was Laughing Out Loud to This! <video>

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http://www.vidlit.com/yidlit/

2:45 and you get a Yiddish lesson to boot!

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(from Jackieten) – A Women’s Poem

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A Woman's Poem

===============

He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard...

Not like his momma used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

Like his momma used to do.

I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...

Like his MOMMA used to do!

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(from Barbara Rosenberg) – Pass Him On … <cartoon>

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(from Syman) – Grandpa Benny

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A police car pulled up in front of Grandma Betty's house and Grandpa Benny got out. The polite policeman explained that the elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh, Benny," said Grandma, "You've been going to that park for three years! How could you get lost?"

Leaning close to Grandma so the policeman couldn't hear, Benny whispered,

"I wasn't lost... I was just too tired to walk home."

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(from Tom Sokolowski) – The Golfer

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A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, “Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs! Another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

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(from John Meeker) – Thought for Today <photo>

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(from Steve Judovin) – Toot Tone <movie>

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I just don’t know how to describe this one other than to say that it simply is a ‘must-see’ !! (DrB)

http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net/movies/toottone.wmv

(about 6Mb)

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(from Bricana) – The Irish Mental Health Hotline <sound >

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Less than a minute of listening … but SO worth the time!

http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net/movies/TheIrishMentalHealthHotline.mp3

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(from Tom Sokolowski) – The Guys’ Rules

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The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports.
It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem! .
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don 't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine ..Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know,
I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
but did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can
to give them a bigger laugh!!

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(from Don) - Water

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WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking booze (wine, rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Poop

BOOZE = HEALTH

Free yourself of Poop, drink BOOZE!!!

It is better to drink booze and talk sh*t than to drink water and be full of sh*t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.

Have a nice day

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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Finally, current and past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

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Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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