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19 May 2006
Hi Everyone!
Hope
you like ‘em … a real mixed bag! Have a great weekend!
:-)>
Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents
-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·
The Lone Ranger and the Heavens
·
A Blonde Guy Joke ·
·
A Real
Bad Day <movie> ·
The
Bear ·
The Sad Passing of Common Sense ·
Cute
Ones <photos> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (from Judy
Hirsch) - Breakthrough ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A British company is developing computer chips that store music in ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (from Irving4)
– The Lone Ranger and the Heavens ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they
got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes
the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (from Stenlake)
– A Blonde Guy Joke ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Finally! -- a Blonde GUY Joke! A blonde guy gets
home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He
rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's
up?" he says. "I'm having a
heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs
to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing,his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy!
Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The
guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming
wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there
is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten
bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're
running around naked scaring the kids!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (from Tom Sokolowski) – Why Am I
Tired ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why am I tired? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (from Joel
Goldstein) – A Real Bad Day <movie> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net/movies/realbadday.wmv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (from Don) –
The Painter ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A blonde was hired to paint the
yellow stripes on a highway. The first day, she painted ten miles of road. The second day, she only painted five. Her boss, seeing she was
getting slower, decided to give her a day off, thinking that she needed a rest.
When she came back the next day, she only painted 0.5 miles of road. Her now discouraged boss came up to her and said, " Excuse me,
but why have you been painting less and less each day, even after I gave
you a day off? " "Simple, " the blonde answered. "I've
been getting farther away from the paint can." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (from Don) –
Gray Grin ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when
in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a beautiful rose
tattooed on one boob. One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She
doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose in a hanging
basket." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (from Neil Stenlake) - The Bear ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people
isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One
thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
convert him. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says,
"I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to
read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to Slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water,
sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The
bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and
confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and
brimstone Oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers,
you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I
began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold
of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and DOWN
another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy
soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle As a
lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with I.V.'s
and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it,
circumcision may not have been the best way to start." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (from Irving4)
– The Sad Passing of Common Sense ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ OBITUARY:
THE SAD PASSING OF COMMON SENSE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (from Sokolowski) – Cute Ones
<photos> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The clerk farted
and gave me a receipt. +++++++++++++++++++++++++ Hope everybody has a great weekend! tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to
other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to
get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans
or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are
actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly
to ME, Dr Bernie, at Have you gotten this fUNNIES
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can be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dr. Bernie Domanski Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2006.
All Rights Reserved.
women's breast implants.
This is a major breakthrough because Women are always complaining
about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking,
it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be
approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident
the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically,
it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you,
Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent."
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or
anything else I could think of.
But now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:. . .
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with
killing Osama
Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and
city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on your ass,
at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.
Today we mourn the passing of a
beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one
knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in
bureaucratic red tape.
He will
be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to
come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always
fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common
Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you
earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His
health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing
regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with
sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for
using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly
student, only worsened his condition.
Common
Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they failed
to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when
schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol,
sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but, could not inform the parents
when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common
Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches
became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common
Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your
own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
Common
Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a
steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was
promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common
Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife,
Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived
by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A
Victim.
Not many
attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember
him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
OR Sometimes Slightly Scrambled!!
May you always have Love to Share
Health to Spare
And Friends that Care
I went to the SHELL gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of
gas. 
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@yahoogroups.com .
That's all there is to it!