Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only) and
at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net (full media)

  26 May 2006

Hi Everyone!  

Long holiday weekend is upon us … get it started on the right foot by checking out this weeks’ fUNNIES!  You won’t be sorry!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contents -  
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·        Cows, The Constitution, and the 10 Commandments

·        NJ

·        Why White People Shouldn’t Dance

·        Goodbye Mom

·        Women's Preference In Men's Looks

·        Sad But True

·        Hoffa Search Finds Town's Sense of Humor

·        Obit

·        Dear John

·        Oz

 

 

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(from Dave Thorn) – Cows, The Constitution, and the 10 Commandments

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1. COWS

2. THE CONSTITUTION, and

3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

 

 COWS  Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can  track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall  where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves  to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens  wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

 

 THE CONSTITUTION  They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.  Why don't we just give them ours?  It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200  years and we're not using it anymore.

 

 TEN COMMANDMENTS  The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a  courthouse........

 

  You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"  and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and  politicians -- it creates a hostile work environment.

 

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(from Tom Sokolowski) - NJ

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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.  Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."  Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.  Over here I've placed a continent of white people,  over there is a continent of black people, and over there a continent of  yellow people,"  God continued, pointing to different areas "This  section will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and water and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's New Jersey, small, but the most glorious place on earth.  You'll notice that it is made in the fashion of my hand, the Hand of God.  There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets, and rolling hills. The people from New Jersey are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and  admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around them in New York and Pennsylvania!"

 

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(from Chuck Hopf) – Why White People Shouldn’t Dance <movie>

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http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net/movies/dancing.wmv

 

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(from Tom Sokolowski) – Goodbye Mom

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A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following  him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at  him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him  and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that  you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave  the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through  the  checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called  out, "Good-bye, Mother." The little old lady waved and smiled back  at  him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's  day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the  clerk. "How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.." The clerk  replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."

 

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(from Dick Sziede) - Women's Preference In Men's Looks

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UCLA Medical School

Los Angeles, Calif.

Research Department Report

 

A recent study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

 

For example:

 

If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

 

If she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and duct tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

 

No further studies are expected.

 

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(from Russ Berry via DSkin) – Sad But True

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The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled You Can Be the Man of Your House.   He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

 

Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my  meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have  the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me a  bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring  me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

 

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

 

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 (from Michael Salsburg) - Hoffa Search Finds Town's Sense of Humor ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

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(from Syman) - Obit

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Bob's Obituary:  Bob died, so his wife Lila went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lila what she would like to say about her husband of thirty-five years.

Lila replied, "Oh, just put, "Bob died."

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just Bob died?

Surely there must be something more you'd like to say about Bob. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We really should say something more."

 

So Lila pondered for a few moments and finally said, "OK," then.

You can put, "Bob died. Boat for sale."


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(from Salsburg) – Dear John

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This is the ultimate response to a Dear John letter.

 

You gotta love a man like this.  Humor in the face of defeat.

 

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan and while he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend.  In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

 

AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.  So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do.  He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

 

He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girl friend with the following note:

 

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

 

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(from Barbara Rosenberg) – We’re Off to See the Wizard
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Four US Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they are whirled to OZ.

 

They finally made it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.

 

"What brings you before the great wizard of Oz?"

  Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:
    "I've come for some courage."

"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Who is next?"

 

    Ronald Reagan steps forward,
    "Well,........., I.......I think I need a heart."

     "Done," says the Wizard.
    "Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?"

    Up stepped George Bush sadly and said,
    "I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."  

    "No problem!" says the Wizard. 
    "Consider it done."

   There is a great silence in the hall.
    Bill Clinton is just standing there,
    looking around, but doesn't say a word.

   Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,
    "What do you want?"

 

 

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski

 Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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