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2 June 2006
Hi Everyone!
I
just loved these this week! Hope you do
too! Have a weekend du fab! (My terrible attempt at French!)
:-)>
Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents
-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Play More Golf
- Converting the Bear
- California
- Little
Known Religious Fact
- Blonde Handywoman
- Health Questions & Answers
- Major New Product Breakthrough
- Win Win
Situation
- Have You Seen My Smokes? <movie>
- Letter to Napisan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Chas Young) - Play More Golf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An
80-year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup.
The
doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you
stay in such great physical condition?"
I'm
a golfer," says the old guy, "And that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up
and down the fairways."
" Well,"
says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.
How old was your dad when he died?"
"Who
said my dad's dead?"
The
doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still
alive. How old is he?"
"He's
100 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this
morning, and that's why he's still alive . . . he's a golfer too."
"Well,"
the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that.
How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who
said my grandpa's dead?"
Stunned,
the doctor ! asks, "You
mean you're 80 years old and your grandfathers still living! Incredible, how
old is he?"
"He's
118 years old," says the old golfer.
The
doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing
with you this morning too?"
"No.
Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At
this point the doctor is close to losing it.
"Getting married!!
Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who
said he wanted to?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Tom Sokolowski) – Converting the Bear
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to
the students of the
Seven days later,
they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has
his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear.
And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well,
that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I
quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he
became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him
first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob
spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts,
and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I
went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took
HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him
and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle
as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising
Jesus."
They both looked down
at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a full body cast
and traction with IV's and monitors running in and
out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and
says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the
best way to start."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Dick Sziede) -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do
you know what happened this week back in 1850, in
The
State had no electricity.
The
State had no money.
Almost
everyone spoke Spanish.
There
were gun fights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Irving4) - Little Known Religious Fact
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several centuries ago, the
Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave
The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise Rabbi Moishe
to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe
spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would
be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat
opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his
hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe
was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope
said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He
responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one
God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God
was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was
also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God
absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the
original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe.
"How did you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Moishe.
"First he said to me that we had three days to get out of
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out
his lunch, so I took out mine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Barbara Rosenberg) – Blonde Handywoman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire
herself out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby
well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and
asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said,
"How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in
the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize
that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the
blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two
coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and
handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a
Lexus"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Frank Ingrassia) – Health Questions & Answers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HEALTH QUESTION &
ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don 't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out
eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like
saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on
meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables
to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field
grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my
alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of
the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my
body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you
have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the
advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !
Q: Aren't fried foods bad
for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?
Q: Will sit-ups help
prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for
me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape
important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has
cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember: "Life should
NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an
attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay
in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn
out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from DASDBill) - Major New Product Breakthrough!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A British company is developing computer chips that store music
in women's breast implants. A company spokesperson declares this a
major breakthrough, as women are always complaining about men staring
at their breasts and not listening to them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Tom Sokolowski) – Win Win Situation
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
win-win-win situation:
Dig a moat the
length of the Mexican border,
Use the dirt to
raise the levies in
Put the
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
HankL via Barry) – Have You Seen My
Smokes? <movie>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net/movies/ HaveYouSeenMySmokes.wmv
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Stenlake) – Letter to Napisan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Napisan,
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used
it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mum told me it was the
best. Now that I am older and going
through menopause, I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white
blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy
I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his
blood on my white blouse. I tried to
get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come
out. After a quick trip to the
supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Napisan
with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction,
all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well, that when the detectives
who came by yesterday told me that the
DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that
I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my
husband. What a relief I thank you, once
again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a
letter to the Glad Bag people...
Signed,
A Relieved Menopausal Wife
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY
fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic
to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to
get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans
or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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