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9 June 2006
Hi Everyone!
Well,
this weeks’ fUNNIES cover many many
topics … of course, there’s rednecks, blonde rednecks, women bashing men, … you know the drill!
Hope you get the big smile to start off your weekend!
:-)>
Dr Bernie
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Contents
-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·
Kids
·
Magnets for the Modern Woman
·
Rednecks
·
10 Thoughts to Ponder for 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Tom Sokolowski) - Kids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly
age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson.
She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy
age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes
back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean.
Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the
wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister
has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting.
Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea
where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go
down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
13) On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off
when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because
water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Judy Hirsch) – Magnets for the Modern Woman
<cartoons>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Sokolowski) – Construction Site
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An
Italian, an Irishman and a Chineseman fellow are
hired at a construction site. The manager points out a huge pile of sand and
says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping". To the Irishman,
"You're in charge of shovelling" To the
Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies". "Now, I have to
leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."
So the manager goes away for a couple of hours. And when he returns, the pile
of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of
it?
The Italian guy replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy
was in charge of the supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him"
So then the manager turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the
Chinese guy in charge of supplies and I couldn't find him." The manager is
really pissed now, and storms off toward the pile of Sand looking for the
Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells,
"SUPPLIES!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Sokolowski) – (Blonde?) Redneck
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
redneck wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons.
The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The
instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right
behind him so that they would go
down together. The redneck understood and was ready.
The time came to have the redneck jump from the airplane. The instructor reminded
the redneck that he would be right behind him.
The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds
pulled the rip cord.
The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the
parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past
the redneck.
The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, heh?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
EMDAlan) – Two Trees
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word
or two in it, but, here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the
woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a
woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a
tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The
woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a
son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash
I have
ever put my pecker in."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
HankL via Barry) – Couldn’t Resist … <weblink>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3934788900154749704&q=bush+pil
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Joel Goldstein) – 10 Thoughts to Ponder for 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ten
Thoughts to Ponder for 2006
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a
day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really
good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down
the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00
and a substantial tax cut saves you 30˘?
Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world
weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the
millions and millions of cows in
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Barbara Rosenberg) – Eve Talks to God
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know you created me, provided this beautiful garden and all of these
wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious snake, but I'm just not
happy."
"And why is that, Eve?"
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of
apples."
" Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall
create a man for you."
"Man? What is that Lord?"
"A flawed creature ... he'll lie, cheat and
be vain; all in all, he'll
give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt
and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your
physical needs. He will be witless and revel in childish things like
fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so
he'll need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with
ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's
the catch, Lord?"
"Well.....you can have him on one
condition."
"And what's that Lord?
"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, self
admiring . . .so you'll
have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our
little secret . . . you know, woman to woman."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Frank Ingrassia) – Evolution of Dance <video>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How
many of these moves have you done??
Click here: YouTube
- Evolution of Dance
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY
fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic
to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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