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22 June 2006
Hi Everyone!
Something
for everybody … And congrats to the
All
the best to you for a super weekend!
Think fun!!
:-)>
Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents
-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Midlife Crisis
- New Speech Writer
- Thought for the Day
- Quote of the Day
- Yankel
Goldstein
- Beer Troubleshooting
Chart
- The Ante-Natal Class
- You Did What With My Sister?
- Elderly Couple
- Women Need Men <movie>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Eddie Rabinovitch) – Midlife Crisis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, it's not exactly a midlife crisis, but here's how things
worked out for me:
Married 25 years, I took a look at my
wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept
on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch
black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde... Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and
plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding
up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She
told me to go out and find a hot 25 Year old blond, and she would make sure
that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,
sleeping on a sofa bed...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Tom Sokolowski) – New Speech
Writer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"There has been a change at the
White House. President Bush's
speech writer is leaving the administration. His last words were,
'Me go now.'" --Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEWS
FLASH
in an attempt to stop the spread of bird flu, president george w. Bush has just bombed the canary islands.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Syman) – Thought for the Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What
did one elevator say to the other elevator?
I think I'm coming down with something.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Dave Thorn) – Quote of the Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I have not failed. I've just found
10,000 ways that won't work." — Thomas Edison
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) – Yankel Goldstein
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yankel Goldstein, in his late
80s and still gainfully employed as a ribbon salesman, had been trying,
unsuccessfully, to sell ribbon to Macy's for many years. Last week, he was
making another attempt and was speaking to the anti-Semitic buyer. "Goldstein,"
the buyer said, "you've been trying to sell ribbon to me for at least 25
years. Now is your chance. Send me some yellow ribbon, enough to reach from the
tip of your nose to the tip of your penis." Three days later, four tractor
trailers full of yellow ribbon drove up to the receiving dock of Macy's. The
ribbon buyer went ballistic. He called Goldstein and said, "I ordered
yellow ribbon, enough to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your
penis, and you sent me four tractor trailers full of ribbon."
Goldstein replied : "Yes, the tip of my penis is
in
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Sokolowski) – Beer Troubleshooting
Chart
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING CHART
|
SYMPTOM |
FAULT |
ACTION |
|
Feet cold and wet. |
Glass being held at incorrect angle. |
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. |
|
Feet warm and wet. |
Improper bladder control. |
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. |
|
Beer unusually pale and tasteless |
Glass empty. |
Get someone to buy you another beer. |
|
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. |
You have fallen over backward. |
Have yourself leashed to bar. |
|
Mouth contains cigarette butts. |
You have fallen forward. |
See above. |
|
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. |
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. |
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. |
|
Floor blurred. |
You are looking through bottom of empty glass. |
Get someone to buy you another beer. |
|
Floor moving. |
You are being carried out. |
Find out if you are being taken to another bar. |
|
Room seems unusually dark. |
Bar has closed. |
Confirm home address with bartender. |
|
Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. |
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. |
Cover mouth. |
|
Everyone looks up to you and smiles. |
You are dancing on the table. |
Fall on somebody cushy-looking. |
|
Beer is crystal-clear. |
It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. |
Punch him. |
|
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. |
You have been in a fight. |
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. |
|
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. |
You've wandered into the wrong party. |
See if they have free beer. |
|
Your singing sounds distorted. |
The beer is too weak. |
Have more beer until your voice improves. |
|
Don't remember the words to the song. |
Beer is just right. |
Play air guitar. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Neil Stenlake) – The Ante-Natal Class
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
room was full of pregnant women with their partners, and the birth class was in
full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and
informing the men how to give the necessary assurances and coaching at this
stage of the plan.
"Ladies,
exercise is good for you", announced the teacher.
"Walking is especially beneficial. And gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to
take the time to go walking with your partner".
The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it okay if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Hank Levine via Barry) – You Did What With My Sister?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When Nathan Radlich's house was
burgled, thieves left his TV, his VCR,
and even left his watch. What they did take was
"generic white cardboard box
filled with greyish-white powder." (That at
least is the way the police described it.)
A spokesman for the
Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the
burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She
died three years ago."
Well, the next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on
Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of
Gertrude's ashes remained. And there was this note. It said: "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings.
Have a nice day." --
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Sokolowski) – Elderly Couple
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple had been dating
for some time. Finally, they decided it might be time for marriage. But before
tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about
whether it would really work out.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on. Then the gentleman decided
it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about
sex?" he asked.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say
that I would like
it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked:
"Was that one word or two?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Eddie Rabinovitch) – Women Need
Men <movie>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
good one - enjoy :-)
http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net/movies/BannedCommercials-Comedy-WhyWomenNeedMen.mpg
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY
fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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