Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only) and
at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net (full media)

  30 June 2006

Hi Everyone!  

Am away for the holiday weekend … happy birthday to my offspring (numbers 1 and 3) … happy reunion to the Brooklyn people … and, for those that know, it’s a GIRL!

The usual insanity in this weeks’ fUNNIES … guaranteed to kick start the holiday weekend!  NOTE: I can’t guarantee that the full media fUNNIES version will be posted today as I’m away, but the text version has it all, including the links to the movies!  Whoohoo!

Be super (or just go see Superman Returns!)

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contents -  
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(from Dave Thorn) – Computer Punch Cards Used to Make Window Curtains

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Just when you think you've seen everything.........

 

 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jeffreygarman/sets/72157594153678035/

 

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(from Hank Levine via Barry) – A Favor

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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the  priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over my  customs limit and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway You  could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The  official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you  have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman,  but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!

 

 

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(from Cousin Toby) – The Goldberg Residence

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Hello, is this the Goldberg residence?

Yes, mit whom do you vish to speak?

Mrs Goldberg please

Mrs Goyeldberg is shoppink in de supermarket

Is Mr Goldberg there?

Dis time of de day? Mishter Goyeldberg is voikink

Is Thelma at home?

In de school is Telma, very clever vun, pu pu pu

How about Harry, is he there?

Herry, in colletch is Herry, he should be a dokter kaynahoreh

I see, is this Mrs Goldberg's mother?

No, Poor Bubbi Goyeldberg is gone, ollivasholom

So, may I ask who I am talking to?

Dis is Daisy, de schvartze! 

 

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(from Eddie R) - Shoplifting

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An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. 

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"  

She replied: "a can of peaches".

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. 

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. 

She replied: "six".

 

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

 

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's

husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.  

The judge said, "what is it?"

 

The husband said  "she also stole a can of peas"...

 

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(from Ken Williams) – Church Bulletins

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They're back! Church Bulletins. Thank God for church
ladies with
typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in
church bulletins or were
announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action
Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and
watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance
to get rid of those things not worth keeping around
the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
cancelled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
"Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way
again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know
it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message, after
which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that
began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the
church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic
will be, "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to
the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other
items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along
with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining,
super entertainment, and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of
every kind. They may be seen in the basement on
Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in
the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and
come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at
10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after theB.S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at
7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at
the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new
tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My
Pledge - Up Yours."

 

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(from Barbara Rosenberg) - What Patients Say During Colonoscopies

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Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:


1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."


And the best one of all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?"

 

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(from Dick Szeide) - Wildfires

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A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern California wildfires last year. He wanted pictures of the heroic work the firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes.

 

When the photographer arrived on the scene, he realized that the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his getting good photographs from the ground level. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air.

 

His request was approved and he used his cell phone to call the local county airport to charter a flight. He was told a single engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

 

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag. slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go! "

 

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway. Once in the air, the photographer requested the pilot to, "Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides. "

 

"Why? " asked the pilot.

 

"Because I'm a photographer for CNN, " he responded. "And, I need to get some close-up shots. "

 

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, you're not the flight instructor? "

 

 

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(from Rob Domanski) – The Greatest Music Video Ever Made

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The Greatest Music Video Ever Made!!!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOzkbz2LELw&search=mets%201986

 

(note to all: Rob’s my oldest son, and was quite impressionable as a child, and become obsessed, and … well, maybe that explains his opinion here!   DrB J )

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(from Fred Silver) - Women

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Pregnancy,  Estrogen and Women
Pregnancy  Q & A & more!

Q:  Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q:  I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby  move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes  college.

Q:  What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's  sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q:  My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's  borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q:  My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during  labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air  current.

Q:  When is the best time to get an  epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're  pregnant.

Q:  Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my  wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to  you.

Q:  Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from  childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q:  Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very  quickly.

Q:  Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and  act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN  ISSUES"
10  WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1.  Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding  chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk  every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly  agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular  phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my  driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an  invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just  landed here from "outer space".
8. You can't believe they  don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure  that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The  ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it  yesterday..

TOP  TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same  style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't  just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without  trying to beat yourbest  time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white,  and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3.  Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale  ever made.
 
AND,  the Number One Number One thing only women  understand :

1.  OTHER WOMEN

Send  this to five bright, funny women you know and make their  day.. 
WE ALL NEED a SMILE

 


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(from Maureen Zack) – The Cruise Diary

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DEAR DIARY . DAY ONE

 

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.

  ______________________________________________________

 

DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO

 

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

  ______________________________________________________

 

DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE

 

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

______________________________________________________

 

DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR

 

Went to the ship's casino . did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.

______________________________________________________

 

DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE

 

Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.

______________________________________________________

 

DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX

 

I saved 1600 lives today... Twice.

 

 

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski

 Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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