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7 July 2006
Hi Everyone!
Some
really funny fUNNIES this week
and dont stop
reading early
the last fUNNY the Human Mind is just
too cool (thanks Steve from across the pond!)
Best
wish for a superdooper weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
·
To Understand, You DONT Have
to be Jewish
·
International Rules of Manhood
·
Female FBI Hiring Techniques
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) You Finish?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A virile, young Italian gentleman
named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she
thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends
and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and
softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches for
the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but
they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he
looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to
speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) - Why
Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this
chicken won't realize that he must first
deal with the problem on
"THIS" side of the road before
it goes after the problem on the
"OTHER SIDE" of the road. What
we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems
before adding "NEW" problems.
OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is
having problems, which is why he wants
to cross this road so bad. So instead of
having the chicken
learn from his mistakes and take falls,
which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can
just drive across the road and not live
his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W.
BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the
road. We just want to know if the
chicken is on our side of the road, or
not. The chicken is either
against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DONALD RUMSFELD:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
ANDERSONCOOPER/CNN: We have reason to
believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side
of the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the
road, I am now
against it! It was the
wrong road to cross, and I was misled about
the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against
it.
JUDGE JUDY:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market
to sell my eggs when the price dropped
to a certain level.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the
road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was
gay! Can't you people
see the plain truth in front of your
face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call
it the "other side. Yes, my friends, that
chicken is gay. And if you eat
that chicken, you will become gay too. I
say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be
free to cross the road. It's as plain
and simple as that!
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the
chicken crossed the
road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting?
In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first
time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of
molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in
the world crossing
roads together - in peace.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens
to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released
eChicken2006, which will
not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The
Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \..... reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really
cross the road, or
did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road
with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Joel Goldstein) To Understand,
You DONT Have to be Jewish
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam, applying for his citizenship papers.
He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly. He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and,
with a big smile,
responded: "Last vinter on a very cold day, I
vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas
too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."
==========================================================
Untimely
Question
Two Jews, Morty and
Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty,
you know I don't swim so well."
Morty remembers how to carry another swimmer
from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid, so he begins tugging Saul
toward shore.
After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100
feet from shore,
Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you
could float alone?"
Saul replies, "Morty, this is a
hell of a time to be asking for money!"
==========================================================
Bar Mitzvah
Definition:
A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish
boy comes to the realization that he is
more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one.
====================================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake) International Rules of
Manhood
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INTERNATIONAL
RULES OF MANHOOD
1 .
Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown,
pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
2 .
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its
master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie
starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12
minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.
3 .
Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
and eaten by
his mates.
4 .
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail
within 12 hours.
5 .
If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever,
unless you actually marry her.
6 .
Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However
complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7 .
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In
fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
8 .
On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9 .
When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the
score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.
10.
You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you
have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the
purpose of flatulent
entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11.
It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink
only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.
12.
Only in situations of moral and/or physical ! peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
13.
Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue
closed.
15.
If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16.
Women who claim they "love to watch sport" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or
LBW)
and the ability to drink as much as the other sport watchers.
17:
A man in the company
of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last
slice of pizza, but not both that's just greedy.
19.
If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his
choice of beer.
20.
Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if
she's withholding sex pending your response.
21.
Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby,
Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22.
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e .
Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all
other situations, an almost
imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23.
Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are
able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang
up if necessary.
24 .
It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to
drive yours.
25.
The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?"
with
"If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Play station II.
End
of story.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Fred Wagner) Stolen Body Parts Alert
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a heads-up to
those friends who haven't experienced it yet, and an explanation to those friends and family
who have: Most of you have read the scare-mail
about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on.
While the kidney story was
an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.
My thighs were stolen from
me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body
and woke up with someone else's thighs. The
new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs
that had been mine for years?
Whose thighs were these
and what happened to mine?
I spent the entire summer
looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life
in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.
Then, just when my guard
was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang because they took
pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three
inches lower than my original) to the thighs
they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I
prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.
It was two years ago when
I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair, and I watched
horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of
the hairbrush. This was really getting scary.
My body was being replaced
one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.
Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up,
unnoticed, something
like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without
warning.
In despair, I gave up my
T-shirts. What could they do to me next?
My poor neck disappeared
more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.
That's why I decided to
tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee.
That really isn't plastic
that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts,
don't you?
The next time you suspect
someone has had a face "lifted," look again. Was it
lifted from you?
I think I finally found my
thighs... and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!
This is not a hoax. This
is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.
P.S. I must say that last
year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I
jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my
armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Steve Hurley) Female FBI Hiring
Techniques
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all
the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3
finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the
men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find
your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could
never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man
for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He
took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man
came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it
takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given
the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the
room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she
said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
MORAL of the story: Women
are evil. Don't mess with them
Pass on this advice !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom D) White House Fence
Repair
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three contractors are
bidding to fix the White House fence. One from
The
The
The
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like
the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy", the Jerseyian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me,
and we hire the guy from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Frank Ingrassia) 3rd
Grade Test
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For
Americans: can you pass?
Click here: http://www.pibmug.com/files/map_test.swf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dave Thorn) - The Man Song......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.pwwhite.com/mansong.swf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Steve Hurley) The Human Mind
<graphics>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Read out loud the text inside the triangle
below.
More than
likely you said, "A bird in the bush," and........
if this IS what YOU said, then you failed to see that
the word THE is repeated twice!
Sorry, look again.
Next, let's
play with some words.
What do you see?
In black you can read the word GOOD, in white the word EVIL
(inside each black letter is a white letter). It's all very physiological too,
because it visualize the concept that good can't exist without evil (or the
absence of good is evil ).
Now, what do you see?
You may not
see it at first, but the white spaces read the word optical, the blue landscape
reads the word illusion. Look again! Can you see why this painting is called an
optical illusion?
What do you
see here?
This one is
quite tricky!
The word TEACH
reflects as LEARN.
Last one.
What do you see?
You probably
read the word ME in brown, but.......
when you look through ME
you will see YOU!
Do you need
to look again?
Test Your Brain This is really cool. The second one is amazing so please read
all the way though.
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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