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13 July 2006
Hi Everyone!
Something
for everybody! Thanks to all of this weeks contributors too! Have a weekend thats simply FAB!
:-)>
Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents
-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-
Quickies
-
7 Kinds
-
Why Its So Difficult to Shop in Foreign Countries
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Tom Sokolowski) Management
Lesson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office..... but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said
I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you....but the girl said NO. Johnny said I'll be
fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by
the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult
her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the
story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up
the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees
and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...... She said
"The bastard used coins" Management
lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to
it and getting screwed!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Frank Ingrassia) New Benz Your Next Car? <photos>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
.....and now for the 'really different' part : |
No
Steering wheel
- Can you drive with a joystick??
I bet your kids and
grandkids probably can. The influence of video games in our lives has really
arrived, wouldn't ya say.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(another
from Sokolowski) Roses & Hanging
Baskets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through
blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her
not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are
modern times. You gotta let your rose buds
show!" and out she goes.
The
next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there
with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her
grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not
appropriate..... The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can
show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
Happy Gardening.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
a couple of people) - Quickies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but, every once
in awhile, you luck out... ...and you get a piece of ass that brings tears to
your eyes. ( from Don)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I got rid of my husband. The cat was
allergic. My husband said it was him or the cat. I miss him sometimes. (from Syman)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Quote of the Day: "An
expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very
narrow field." Niels Bohr (from Dave Thorn)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
As
two construction workers left the job site, one guy confided in the other,
"Man, as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip off
my wife's underwear!"
"What's the
rush?" asked his buddy.
"The elastic in the legs is rubbing me raw!" (from Sokolowski)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
And
a video: http://www.zefrank.com/punc/ (from Lon Peper)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Don) 7 Kinds
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This
kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you
are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is
called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your
partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even
in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is
called: Bedroom Sex.
This is
when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten
routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is
called: Hallway Sex.
This is
when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in
the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is
called:
Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and
Nun at night.
The 6th kind is called
Courtroom Sex.
This is
when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you
in front of everyone.
The 7th kind of sex is
called: Social Security Sex.
You get
a little each month. But not enough to live on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Annie) Quick Change
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Can
you change clothes this fast? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-wUgnyGv0
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
DASDBill) - Collision
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around
Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife
look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue
eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing a tank top and tight white
shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher noticed that a
little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his
crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone
his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to
his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went
back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging
out.
"I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said. "I did,"
he said, "And
she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Hank Levine via Barry) Technology Laws
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy's Technology Laws
1. Murphy's
Technology Law #1 -- You can never tell which way
the train went by looking at the track.
2. Murphy's
Technology Law #2 -- Logic is a systematic method of
coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
3. Murphy's
Technology Law #3 -- Technology is dominated by those
who manage what they do not understand.
4. Murphy's
Technology Law #4 -- If builders built buildings the way
programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that
came along would destroy civilization.
5. Murphy's
Technology Law #5 -- All great discoveries are made
by mistake.
6. Murphy's
Technology Law #6 -- Nothing ever gets built on schedule
or within budget.
7. Murphy's Technology
Law #7 -- All's well that ends... period.
8. Murphy's
Technology Law #8 -- A meeting is an event at which
minutes are kept and hours are lost.
9. Murphy's
Technology Law #9 -- The first myth of management is
that it exists.
10. Murphy's
Technology Law #10 -- A failure will not appear until a
unit has passed final inspection.
11. Murphy's
Technology Law #11 -- New systems generate new
problems.
12. Murphy's
Technology Law #12 -- Any given program, when running,
is obsolete.
13. Murphy's
Technology Law #13 -- A computer makes as many mistakes
in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Joel Goldstein) Why Its So Difficult to Shop in Foreign Countries <photos>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why it's difficult to shop in foreign countries...
1. Would you want to go here?
2. Sounds
yummy, eh? And it's... "Traditional"
3. Your guess is as good as
mine...
4. (No comment.)
5. For when
size is important!
6. No one asked how they age this beer. Don't try to guess.
7. (No comment.)
8. THIS NEXT ONE SHOWS THE STRANGEST PICTURE ON THE
IT LOOKS LIKE AN ALIEN HERMAPHRODITE. (Note name)
9. FOR
WHEN size IS IMPORTANT " PART 2"
10. THERE'S ALWAYS A FEW OF THESE AROUND.
11.WE PREFER GOOD OLD-FASHIONED "CHICKEN"
SOUP THE KIND USUALLY MADE FROM HENS...
AND FINALLY:
12. GOOD TO HAVE ON HAND...IN CASE YOU RUN OUT...?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY
fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic
to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to
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or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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