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21 July 2006
Hi Everyone!
Our
doggie Nathan (he’s a hot dog) woke up from a bad thunderstorm at 4:15am … like
new parents, we stayed up with him to calm him down … needless to say, I feel like a zombie!
Hopefully, this weeks’ collection will make some sense to you and give
you the much needed chuckles!
Stay
great!
:-)>
Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents
-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·
Peaches
·
Ole
·
Lessons to be Learned from Typing the Wrong Email Address
·
Celts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake) - Peaches
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
She pulled the top of the negligee to one
side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes
ma’am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her
negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and
another tear came from the other eye.
Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of
her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke
down crying.
The lady asked, "Why on earth are you
crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The
drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and
now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Maureen Zack) – A Very Bad Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when
this big, trouble-making, truck driver
steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy breaks down and starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving you a hard
time.” says the truck driver. “I’ll buy
you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life." says the little
guy between sobs. "I can't seem to
do anything right! I overslept, was
late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. Then when I went to the parking
lot, I found my car was stolen and I
have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home
and after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home, I found my wife in bed with the neighbor!
Absolutely nothing is going right for me ! I came to this
bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life and then you show up
and drink the
poison ! !"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
EMDAlan) – The Bathtub Test
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Bathtub Test
It
doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you
started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the
criterion was which defined whether or not
a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we
fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient
and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."
"Oh,
I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No."
said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
DID
YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Don) - Ole
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole
was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty
dollars," she whispers.
He'd never been with a
hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's
only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it"
for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them -
it's a police officer.
"What's going on
here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to
my wife ," Ole answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry,"
says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," Ole
says, "neither did I, until you shined that light
in her face."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Irving4) – Lessons to be Learned from Typing the Wrong Email Address
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
Meanwhile, somewhere in
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have
computers here now
and you are allowed to send email's to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine
was.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Cousin Gaylannie and from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mujibar was trying to get a job in
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have
passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for
this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready"
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Green."
Mujibar
thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager,
I am ready"
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center
for computer problems.
Warning:
This morning, from a cave
somewhere in
It's getting ugly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Stan Kegel via Syman) - Celts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You know the Celts used to make
bows of yew."
"Of me?
Huh?"
"No, of
yew-wood."
"I would what?"
"You wouldn't do anything. The Celts
did."
"I'm sorry. You lost me."
"That's getting easier to do every
year. I said, the Celts used yew to make bows."
"I'm sure I'd remember if they had.
"You aren't quite old enough to
remember that."
"So they used me when I was just a
babe in arms? I couldn't have been very useful."
"A situation which hasn't improved
with age. I'm talking about the tree, which is called yew,
that the Celts used to make their bows."
"Wouldn't
it have been simpler with ribbons?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Barry) – Domain Names
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All of these are
legitimate companies dealing in regular products and services, but they didn't
think their domain names through! Take note of their 'Domain Names'
!
Some of them are prime candidates for the "What was
I thinking?" Award!
1). A site called 'Who represents' where you can find the
name of The agent that represents a celebrity. Their
domain name is: www.whorepresents.com
2). 'Experts Exchange', a knowledge base where
programmers can Exchange advice and views at: www.expertsexchange.com
3). Looking for a pen? Look no further than '
4) Need a 'therapist'? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: www.therapistfinder.com
5). Then of course, there's the ' Italian Power Generator
Company' - www.powergenitalia.com
6). And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery,
based in
7). If you're looking for computer software, there's
always www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the
9). Then, of course, there's
these brainless art designers, and their wacky website: www.speedofart.com
10). Want to holiday in
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Barbara Rosenberg) – Here’s To Us! <cartoons>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Tom Sokolowski) – Moishe Goldberg
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One dark night
outside a small town near
The alarm went out to all the fire departments
for miles around. When the volunteer fire
fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the
fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the
center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire
department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire
departments had to be called in as the
situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted
out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could
bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck
came into sight. It was the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men
over the age of 65. To everyone's
amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer
sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the
inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as
the Chasidic old timers jumped off right in the middle of the
fire and fought it back on all sides.
It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had
extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a
superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally
thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their
chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vel," said Moishe
Goldberg, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first
thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY
fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to
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or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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