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29 July 2006
Hi Everyone!
Yeah,
yeah, I know its Saturday
and yeah, I know its the FRIDAY Funnies
but the
ImberBabe told me to tell you that she took us to the
beach on Friday (which is true)
and so I degenerated by eating pancakes on
the boardwalk, getting some fine sunnin in, and
ended the day with KILLER macaroons from the Macaroon Store (yes, New Jersey
DOES have some plusses!)
Some
great photos and cartoons in this weeks full-media edition
fire up your
browser and surf over! Hope these will
still give you the giggles
have a great rest of the weekend!
:-)>
Dr Bernie
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Contents
-
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·
Anagrams
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(from
Rich Olcott) The Purina Diet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just love
spur-of-the-moment creativity...
===============< snip >=======================
I used to have a Labrador retriever
& I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check
out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(?).
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although
I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that
I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so
I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, heavy guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been
sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For the guys
http://drbernie.is-a-geek.com:5050/fRIDAYfUNNIES/Movies/PepsiSoapOnARope.wmv
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Steve Hurley) Irish Priest in
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father O'Malley rose from
his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te
yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so
kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of
the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now
father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last
rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but
we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<full media fUNNIES only>
Armed
with only the below photograph
What is the name of this song
Did ya' Get it???
Did ya' guess ..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from ricktrap) Best Signs in a Long Time <photos>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<full
media fUNNIES only>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Frank Ingrassia) Scarpe Italiane
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paolo Piaia
walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops
and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli
leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much it's all he can think about.
After 2 months he saves $300 for them. Every Friday night the Italian community
gets together at a dance at the
He asks Sophia to dance, and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you
wear red panties tonight?" "Yes, Paolo, I do wear red panties to
night, but how do you know?" Paolo replies, "I see the reflection in
my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like
them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her, "
Now, as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Paolo
asks Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He says,
"Carmella, be stilla my heart. Pleasa tella me you wear no
panties tonight, pleasa, pleasa,
tella me thisa be
true!" Carmella smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Paolo, I wear no
panties tonight." Paolo gasps and says, "Thanka
God, I thought I had a CRACK in my new $300 Bocceli
leather shoes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on
their hands!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Tom Sokolowski) Marcus and Yakov
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews, went to Pincus
the tailor for new suits.
"Pincus,"
Yacov said, "the last time we came to you for
new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made us were not
black. They were sort of dark gray maybe, but not black. We need new suits, and
this time we want black suits, from the darkest black cloth there
is."
Pincus reached behind for a bolt
of cloth and he said, "See this cloth? It is from this fabric that I make
the habits for nuns. In all the world," Pincus said, fingering the bolt of fabric, "There is
no blacker cloth than the cloth I make nuns' habits from . . . and it is from
this cloth that I'll make your new suits!"
A few weeks later the two
Hassidim were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns.
Impulsively, one of the men went up to one of the nuns. He grabbed her sleeve
and held it up against his own.
Then, in an angry voice,
he muttered something to his friend and they both walked on.
"What did that man
want?" one nun asked the other.
"I don't know,"
she replied, "he looked at my garment, said something in Latin, and
left."
"In Latin?"
asked the first nun. "What did he say?"
He said, "Marcus, Pincus Fuctus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
HankL via Barry) Thinking Outside the Box
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You are driving down the road in your car on a
wild, stormy night, when you pass
a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming
about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to,
knowing that there could only be
one passenger in your car? Think, before you continue reading.
This
is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick
up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save
her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life,
and this would be the perfect chance to pay
him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants)
had no trouble coming up with his answer. She simply
answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the
lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the
partner of my dreams."
Sometimes,
we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never
forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
However...
The
correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have
sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop, then drive off with the old
friend for some beers.
God, I just love happy endings.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
cousin Gaylannie) Men Are
Happy Creatures
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you
expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is
all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just
another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You
can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO
shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas
station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think
of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your
chest when you're talking
to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is
practically expected. New shoes don't
cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff
about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one
suitcase. You can open
all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a
three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your
clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only
have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one
pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear
shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails
with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You
can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will
enjoy reading it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Randy Glasbergen via Sokolowski)
Dieting and Exercise <cartoons>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<visible only in the
full media fUNNIES version>
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY
fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic
to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to
get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans
or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are
actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly
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Finally, current and past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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fUNNIES, 1996-2006.
All Rights Reserved.