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3 August 2006
Hi Everyone!
Limericks,
old people, heaven, and 2 quizzes: what are you and what is it
Plus the sign
of death and points to ponder! Be happy
its Friday!
Enjoy
the weekend.
:-)>
Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents
-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·
Heaven
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Tom Sokolowski) - Heaven
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Einstein
dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You
look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go
to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard
and some chalk?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk
instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and
symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he
says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with
just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!"
he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his
head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity.
How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and asks, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
EMDAlan) What Is It
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes
in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor?
What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a
little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features...of
a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it has a penis...
...AND a brain?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
TomD) The Bathtub ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time,
and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a
visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not
a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use
the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Cousin Michelle from the Imberbabe) Getting
Older
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of choice Funnies
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and
pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath,
he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis.
-x-x-x-x-x-
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few
days later, the
doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his
arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;
be careful.'"
-x-x-x-x-x-
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
-x-x-x-x-x-
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already
dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he
didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the
elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Neil Stenlake) What Are You
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Four guys and a woman are stuck in an
elevator. While they are stuck, they
strike up a conversation ....... The first guy says,
I'm a Y. U. P. P. I. E , you know ; "Young, Urban
Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist. "
The second guy says, I'm a D.
The third guy says, I'm a R. U. B, you know ; "Rich, Urban, Biker "
The fourth guy says, I am a D. I. L. D.
O., you know ;
" Double Income Little Dog Owner. "
They turn to the woman and ask her,
"What are you???"
She replies: I'm a W.I.F.E, you know ; "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dick Sziede) Math
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you get it?
A dozen, a gross, and a
score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
is nine squared and not a bit more.
---Jon Saxton
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
the Little Big Book of Laughter via Syman) Another
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There
was a young parson named Perkins
Exceedingly fond of small gherkins.
One
summer at tea
He
ate forty-three,
Which pickled his internal workins.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Johnny O via Chaz) Sign of
Death
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little
Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with
its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles,
and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Piddles
is dead, Lucy."
"So
why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as
she fought back the tears.
At
a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing
straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from
heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."
Little
Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when
her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said:
"Mommy almost died this morning."
Fearing
something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted,
"How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well",
mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying
on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus!!! I'm
coming, I'm coming!!!' and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down
she definitely would have gone, Daddy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Clark Kidd) Points to Ponder
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2.
A will is a dead giveaway.
3.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that
counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry
in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist, you
can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name
and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine
shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back
four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery
machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor
in
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of
money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which
was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of
flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped
from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who
get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping
center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate
clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY
fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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