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11 August 2006
Hi Everyone!
I
love summer! Hope you do too .. and if you don’t, maybe you’ll
crack up with a couple of these!
Stay terrific!
:-)>
Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents
-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Judy Hirsch) – Good, Better, Best
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GOOD
In
The officer later found a young
accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket
full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER
A
motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar
post in Plano ,
BEST
A young woman was pulled over in
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Bruce via Barry) – Bill Gates Tribute <movie>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maybe
you saw this … but it’s good to see again in any case!
http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net/Movies/LettermanGates.wmv
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Steve Imberman’s Staff) – Broke
Back Baby
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two gay men decide to have
a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially
inseminated.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the
ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is
smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy child as
theirs.
Isn't it wonderful?" one man says to the other. "All these unhappy
children and ours is so happy?"
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when
we take the pacifier out of his ass.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Tom Sokolowski) – When Insults Had
Class
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"He has all the
virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big
words?"
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -
- Winston Churchill
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading
it."
- Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know."
- Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved
of it."
- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a
friend... if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is
one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
unusual and pretty entertaining ... You may have to copy and paste this into your
browser in order for it to work....
innovative!
http://media.skoopy.com/misc/treadmill/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
EMDAlan) – Political Truth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
George W. Bush , Jesse Jackson, Cokie Roberts from National Public Radio and an Israeli
soldier were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by
cannibals.
They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief.
The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the
condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last
requests?"
W said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy
chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the
chili. W ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Jesse said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work
on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing 'We Shall Overcome' one last time." The chief said, "Go
right ahead, we're listening."
Cokie said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want
to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to
happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job
til the end." The chief directed an aide to hand
over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now
I can die happy."
The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Israeli soldier, what is your
final wish?" "Kick me in the ass." said the Israeli. "What?"
said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass." insisted the
Israeli.
So the chief untied the soldier, shoved him into the open, and kicked him in
the ass. The Israeli went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm
pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion,
he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his Uzi, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire.
In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Israeli was untying W, Jesse and Cokie, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them?
Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"
"What!?" said the Israeli, "And have you jerks call ME the
aggressor?!?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) – Interesting
Signs <photo>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(another
from Sokolowski) – Black Eyes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister
accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the
most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, I'd like
two tickets to
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue
twister too . I was at the breakfast table and I
wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties,
honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You've ruined my life, you evil,
self-centered, fat-assed bitch.' "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Hank Harris) – The Conservatives Speak Up <movie>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never let it be said that I’m
one sided - Dr
Bernie
http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net/Movies/Greatest_Movie_Line_Ever.wmv
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Neil Stenlake) - Priceless
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she
missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As
she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the
face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car
with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched,
finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of
hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted
back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her
personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I
pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the
guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose
Life' license plate holder, the ' What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the '
Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian
fish emblem on the trunk. I assumed you had stolen the car."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY
fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic
to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to
get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans
or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are
actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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fUNNIES, 1996-2006.
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