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5 January 2007
Hi Everyone!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Twenty Dollars
- Having a Bad Day <video>
- One-Question IQ Test
- Magic Food <video>
- Onions and Christmas Trees
- Political Correctness
- Rye Bread
- Unfaithful
- Cool Video
- Saving the Airlines
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Aunt Marilyn) – Twenty Dollars
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband
and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than
30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new
clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon
one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During
the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a
process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that,
at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near
what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him
a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest
totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by
the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one
of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the
more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings
had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million,
her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his
voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would
have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men
just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Irving4) – Having a Bad Day <video>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<center> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://blip.tv/scripts/pokkariPlayer.js"></script><script
type="text/javascript"
src="http://blip.tv/syndication/write_player?skin=js&posts_id=130393&source=3&autoplay=true&file_type=flv&player_width=&player_height="></script><div
id="blip_movie_content_130393"><a href="http://blip.tv/file/get/Drbernie-HavingABadDay297.wmv"
onclick="play_blip_movie_130393(); return
false;"><img src="http://blip.tv/file/get/Drbernie-HavingABadDay297.wmv.jpg"
border="0" title="Click To Play" /></a><br /><a href="http://blip.tv/file/get/Drbernie-HavingABadDay297.wmv"
onclick="play_blip_movie_130393(); return
false;">Click To Play</a></div> </center><div
class="blip_description">It's snowed.?
We've all been there ... but ...</div>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Sokolowski) – One-Question IQ
Test
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should
spend the rest of your day......
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of
brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and
the purchase is done.
Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should
he express himself?
Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of
sunglasses"
If you got this wrong -- please turn off your computer and call it a day.
I've got mine shutting down right now.
You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Aunt Marilyn) – Onions and Christmas
Trees
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers,
"Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to
40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like
onions".
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many
kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through
three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and
hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Irving4) – Magic Food <video>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<center> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://blip.tv/scripts/pokkariPlayer.js"></script><script
type="text/javascript"
src="http://blip.tv/syndication/write_player?skin=js&posts_id=130394&source=3&autoplay=true&file_type=flv&player_width=&player_height="></script><div
id="blip_movie_content_130394"><a href="http://blip.tv/file/get/Drbernie-MagicFood710.wmv"
onclick="play_blip_movie_130394(); return
false;"><img src="http://blip.tv/file/get/Drbernie-MagicFood710.wmv.jpg"
border="0" title="Click To Play" /></a><br /><a href="http://blip.tv/file/get/Drbernie-MagicFood710.wmv"
onclick="play_blip_movie_130394(); return
false;">Click To Play</a></div> </center><div
class="blip_description"><p>And it
started with an ordinary visit to the market --</p></div>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading
You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS. And
furthermore ....
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She
is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" -
She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED
DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY." 5. She has
not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" -
She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is
"MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY
REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She
is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR." 12 She is not
a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1.
He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME"
- He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS." 4. He is not "BALDING"
- He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION." 5. He is not a "CRADLE
ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes
"ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" -
He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION."
8 He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE
EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP
CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his
pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE "
Please use your best judgment
when referring to these people, so as to make it more comfortable for the rest of
us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) – Rye Bread
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two old guys, one 80
and one 87, were sitting on their usual park Bench one morning.
The 87 year old had
just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was
amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much
energy.
The 87 year old said
"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and
you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home,
the 80 year old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking
around, the clerk asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you
have any rye bread?"
The clerk said,
"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He replied, "I
want 5 loaves. She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time
you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"
He replied, "I
can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Irving4) – Unfaithful
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Morris returns from a long business trip
and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time
away.
Who was it!!!???" he yells. "That alta kakker
Goldstein?"
"No," replied his wife.
"It wasn't Goldstein."
"Was it Feldman, that dirty old
man?" "No, not him."
"Aha! Then it must have been that
idiot Rabinovich!"
"No, it wasn't Rabinovich
either..."
Morris was now fuming
"What's the matter?" he cried.
"None of my friends are good enough for you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This video is
wonderful. Watch the whole thing (8 minutes). Don't mind the french.
Happy New Year!!!!
http://www.dailymotion.com/visited/search/jerome%20murat/video/xf9oo_jerome-murat=
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) – Saving the Airlines
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How to save the airlines.........
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the
hell - the attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even
serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the
alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.
And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again,
hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus
saving even more money. Hell, I suspect tips would be so good that we
could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of the tips.
Muslims would be afrai d to get on the planes for
fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the
airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win
situation if we handle it right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into
an asset.
Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything
myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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