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  2 February 2007

Hi Everyone!  

Tough week this week … these really helped put a smile or two back into me!  Thanks!!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contents -  
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(from Barbara Rosenberg) – Best Blonde Joke I’ve Seen

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Truly self-explanatory!

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(from Barbara Rosenberg) – Super Husband

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A man had 50 yard line tickets at the Super Bowl. As he sits down,  another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The first man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was  supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first  Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."

"Oh . . . I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the  seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

 

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(from Irving4) – How to Tell if You Have Smelly Feet
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(from Tom Sokolowski) – Redneck Mama

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A woman walks into the welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.  "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they ALL YOURS?"  

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says,

 

"Sit down Leroy."  All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names." "This one's my oldest, he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one, he is Leroy also."  The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.  One by one, through
the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!   "All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes; it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.'  An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy." The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively,

 

"But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names.

 

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(from Lori Winick) – Tech Support: Installing Husband 1.0

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Subject: Tech Support

 

INSTALLING HUSBAND 1.0

 

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

 

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

 

What can I do?

 

Signed,   Desperate

 

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Dear Desperate:

 

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While usband 1.0 is an Operating System.

 

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

 

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

 

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited emory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance: we recommend Food   3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

 

Good Luck!

 

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(from Scott Dismukes) – The Balloonist and the Fisherman

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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. 

 

She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." 

 

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. 

 

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am replied the man.” "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." 

 

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

 

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(from Bricana) – Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

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A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
 "Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said
"Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are!  
Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,
I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you!
You've already got the neck and the  GIBLETS

 

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(from Dick Sziede) - Two Computer Nerds In A Bar... **lame joke alert!**

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Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what," says the first IT guy, "I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar."

 

"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.

 

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off!"

 

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.

 

"Nope." says IT guy one. "I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her up and put her on my desk, next to my new laptop."

 

"Really?" asked the second IT guy. "You got a new laptop?"

 

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(from Jackieten) – Anisette Cookies

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This is for all the Italians out there, and those who are lucky enough to be married to an Italian, and even to all the friends of Italians.


An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette cookies wafting up the stairs.


Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed.


Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs.


With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven?


Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?


Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture, lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.


"Get outta here! " she shouted, "They're for the funeral!"


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(from Jackster) – A Winter Poem

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I received this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you on these cold winter days ahead. It was to me, and it's very well written. I hope you enjoy it because it's the best piece of English literature I've seen in quite a while....

" WINTER " a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

 

SHIT, It's Cold!

 

 

 

 

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski

 Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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