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9 February 2007
Hi Everyone!
Cool … funny … I love ‘em! Thanks everyone!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In this weeks fRIDAY fUNNIES …
·
2 from Randy Smith – Markings on the Wall &
Government Truisms
·
2 from the ImberBabe
& her Sister-in-Law Esther – Short Story & Man of the House
· 1 from Syman – Golf Outing
·
1 from Jackster – Oil
Changes: Men vs Women
·
3 from Tom Sokolowski –
Adult Riddles, Control, and Dad’s Joke
·
1 from
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(from Randy Smith) – Markings on the Wall
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember when you were a
kid and your parents lined you up against a door
frame to mark how tall you were and dated the mark? Well this
cartoon brings a whole new perspective to that exercise :-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from The ImberBabe’s Sister-in-Law
Esther) – Short Story
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Man driving down road. Woman driving up same
road. They pass each other. The woman yells out window, "PIG!"
Man yells out window, "B I T C H!" Man rounds next curve. Man crashes
into HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.
Thought for the day: If only men would listen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(another from the ImberBabe) – Man
of the House
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be
THE Man Of Your House." He stormed
to his wife in the kitchen and announced,”From now on, you need to know that I
am the man of this house and my word is
Law.
You
will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my
meal, you will serve me a sumptuous
dessert.
After
dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we
will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards,
you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my
robe.
Then,
you will massage my feet and hands.
Then
tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my
hair?" The wife replied, "The freakin'
funeral director would be my first guess."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Syman) – Golf Outing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife was getting tired of her husband
golfing every Saturday, so she decided to go with him to see what the
attraction was. His first drive went into the rough, then
his second shot bounced across the fairway into the lake. After retrieving his
ball his third shot wasn't any better. It went back across the fairway into the
rough again. After taking several more shots to finally reach the grren, he turned to his wife and said,
"And you thought I was having a good
time."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(another from Randy Smith) – Government Truisms
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: Government Truisms
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose
you were a member of Congress....
But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain
I contend that for a nation to try to tax
itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift
himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul
can always depend on the support of Paul.
-George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great
debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your
money.
-G Gordon Liddy
Democracy must be something more than two
wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard,
Civil Libertarian (1994)
Foreign aid might be defined as a
transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor
countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton
at
Giving money and power to government is
like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
Government is the great fiction, through
which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat,
French Economist (1801-1850)
Government's view of the economy could be
summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving,
regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)
I don't make jokes. I just watch the
government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers
If you think health care is expensive
now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke
In general, the art of government
consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to
give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)
Just because you do not take an interest
in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jackster) – Oil Changes: Men vs Women
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oil Change instructions for Women :
1)
Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles
since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $25.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $26.00
==========================================================
Oil
Change instructions for Men :
1)
Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write
a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20,
drive
home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
process. Cuss
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash
in trash can to avoid environmental
penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent
wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any
excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $20.00
Total -- $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH......
AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) – Adult
Riddles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the
difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration
Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(another from Sokolowski) - Control
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I guess we all
knew this....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Sokolowski) – Dad’s Joke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their
fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic,
businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Willie was being uncharacteristically quiet, so
when the teacher prodded him about his father, he
replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay
cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other
men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer
is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for
money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then
took little Willie aside to ask him, "Is that
really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic
National Committee and is helping to get Hillary
Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in
front of the other kids."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is scary for anyone who travels
frequently by plane!!!!
Actual crack in a
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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