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23 February 2007
Hi Everyone!
Theyre real good! Get those
chuckles in to start your weekend off right!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions
This Week From
-
Irving4
The Zipper
-
Jackster He Does WHAT?
-
Sjud, ken, gaylannie, & many others - A Bar Mitzvah Invitation
-
Neil Stenlake Abe and Esther
-
Paul Keister A Couple of Good Cartoons
-
Jackieten Elaborate Funeral
-
Tom Sokolowski Annual Physical
-
Chas Young
A Polish Joke
-
Syman Coffee and a Doughnut
-
EMDAlan Check Out How Smart You Are
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Irving4) The Zipper
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a crowded city at a busy bus
stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini shirt was waiting for a bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her
skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first
step the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a
quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt just a
little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She
tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she
once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not
raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached
behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who
was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently
on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would be good
Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who
you are."
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jackster) He Does WHAT?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My
Daddy the Dancer
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical
answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman,
doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being
uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes
off all his clothes in front of other
men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go
home with some guy and stay with him all
night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this
statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some
exercises and then took little Justin aside
to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He
works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton
to be our next President, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from sjud, gaylannie,
and too many others to numerous to name)
- A Bar Mitzvah
Invitation
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(thanks to the throngs of you that sent
this to me in the last two weeks
clearly, it mustve rung some alarm
somewhere! And to those of you who have not lived thru the planning of a Bar
Mitzvah, well, this should sum it all up for you! J DrB)
A Real Bar Mitzvah
Invitation
In keeping up
with the Rosen's and the Abelson's,
It is with
great stress, emotional and physical fatigue,
and incredible
financial sacrifice beyond comprehension,
that we invite
you to join us as our wonderful son
Jacob Adam
is called to
the Torah as a Bar Mitzvah.
Saturday, May 12th
(yes, we realize it's Mother's Day Weekend)
at the ungodly hour of 9:00am - even though you don't really
need to
be there until
10:20am to catch the real action.
If you make it through the three hour service, please skip the kiddush (its
just cookies and cake) and join us instead for an overly
large and
ostentatious evening meal, which starts at 7:00pm.
(not 8:00pm, or you will miss out on all the
appetizers).
Birchwood
Country Club
Westport
(which we had to join just for this event and
you would not
believe the initiation fees)
You will be in the presence of lots of boisterous and expensive
entertainment
and 60 to
70 unruly pre-teens wearing expensive dresses, funny hats,
fake bling and brand new white ankle socks...
as well
as 80-100 middle aged+ adults, some balding, some with bad toupees.
Most will be
professionally coiffed, designer attire galore, lots of REAL bling, and "tootsed" to
the nines.
At least
1/3 will be hormonally challenged and some will act stupid while under the
influence.
Some will not
even know where or who they are. Some will complain about the food. Blah Blah Blah.
Please have
the courtesy of showing up if you RSVP that you are attending,
or you will be
billed $210.00 a plate if you are a no-show.
Please RSVP as
soon as you get this and not the day before the cut-off date. I can't take the
stress.
The gift of
choice is either green, or contains a routing and account number.
"Off the
top of your head" gifts and Gift Cards are a waste of your time and
ours.
Hope you can
make it!
Lisa and
David Miller
Dress: Black
Tie optional
Theme: 007
James Bond
BYO Kippot. I don't have the strength!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake) Abe and Esther
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Abe and Esther are flying to
Suddenly, over the public address system,
the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very
bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency
landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below
us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we
may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our
lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew,
the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and
asks,
"Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS
pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing,
then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forg ot to send the check," she
says.
"One
last thing, Esther. Did you
remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oy,
forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't
send that one, either."
Abe
grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and
asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Paul Keister) A Couple
of Good Ones
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from jackieten) Elaborate Funeral
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joe died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As
the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest
friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and
leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty
thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but
$30,000?"
Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The
wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial
stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone?
My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) Annual Physical
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman
went to her doctor for her annual checkup. After an examination, the doctor
sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put
your affairs in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting
room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well, my sweet daughter... we women
celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well.
In this case, things aren't well. I have terminal cancer. Let's head to the
club and have a martini."
After three or four martinis, the two were feeling much less somber. There were
some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some
of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
"I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave the woman their condolences,
and they had a couple of more martinis.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer. Yet you just told
your friends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your
father after I'm gone."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chas Young) A Polish Joke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Polish immigrant went to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. He was showed a card with the letters:
C Z W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read
this?" the optician asked.
"Read
it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know that
guy!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Syman) Coffee and a
Doughnut
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sent by Bigguyhereagain-
Coffee
and a doughnut:
"Look
at this mess!" roared the angry customer at a local cafe, pointing to his
squashed donut.
"It's
just as you ordered it, sir," the waitress replied meekly.
"You
told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut, and step on it."
A
L S O --
Applying
to become a citizen: -From Carl's Jewish Humor list Via:
Teddi-
Saul
Estie was taking an oral exam applying for
citizenship papers.
He
was asked to spell 'cultivate' and he spelled it correctly.
He
was then asked to use the word in a sentence. He brightened up and said,
"Last
vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting
for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay
home."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from EMDAlan) Check Out How Smart You Are
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Smart Are
You? (click
the link!)
(I
am an Honor Student! J DrB)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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