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10 March 2007
Hi Everyone!
A day late this week … my apologies … hope you still get a laugh or
two!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don Domanski) –
The Ventriloquist
Syman Says) - One Liners
Don) – Country Preacher
cousin Toby) – A Truly Touching Love Story
Steve Clark) –
IKEA Version of Viagra
John Baker) –
St Patrick’s Day
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(from Don Domanski) – The Ventriloquist
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night
he's doing a show in a small town in
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little smart ass on
your knee."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Syman Says) - One Liners
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I
was trying to make conversation with a man from the
When
he said he was from
I
work for a good cause. 'cause I need the money. -Kelly-
Payday
at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says, May I
have
the envelope please?" -Henny Youngman-
My
wife wanted to go someplace expensive over the weekend, so I took
her
to a Shell station. -Jay Leno-
People
say that losing weight is no walk in the park. When I hear
that
I think, yeah, that's the problem.
-Chris Adams-
If
you lose weight, where does it go?
-Carol Leifer-
Thirty
years ago the cell phone was invented. Two seconds later the inventor crashed
into the car in front of him.
I
used to be quite an athlete, big chest, hard stomach. But all
that's
behind me now. -Bob Hope-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After having dug to a depth of 1,000 meters, French
scientists last year found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years.
After some analysis and discussions, the Frenchmen held a press conference announcing their conclusion: that their ancestors had already a telephone network all those centuries ago.
Not to be outdone, English scientists dug to a depth of 2,000 a couple of month’s later and found strange elongated glass tubes. Headlines in the U. K. newspapers read "English archaeologists find traces of 2,000-year-old fiber-optic cable" and concluded their ancestors had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years before the French telephone.
Earlier this year, Israeli newspapers reported the following: "After
digging 5,000 meters near a
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Don and from Dick Sziede) – Country Preacher
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old southern country
preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time
the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men,
the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too
concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was
away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's
room and placed on his study table four objects:
a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky and a
Playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind
the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from
school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible,
he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he
picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay,
too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and,
Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that
magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin'
bum."
The old man waited anxiously,
and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed
for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave
the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he
walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the
Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped
it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he
admired this month's Centerfold.
"Lord have mercy,"
the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna
be a Congressman!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from cousin Toby) – A Truly
Touching Love Story
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before
the judge in
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that
she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied
6.
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke
up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is
it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Abe and Esther are flying
to
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the
plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks :
"Esther, did we pay our charity pledge
check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe,
still shaken from the crash landing, then
asks :
"Esther, did we pay our United Jewish
Appeal pledge?"
"Oy, no, I'm sorry. I forgot to send the
check," she says.
"One last thing,
Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building
Fund this month," he asks?
"Oy, forgive me, Abie,"
begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives
her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why
did you kiss me?" Abe answers :
"They'll find us."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Steve Clark) – IKEA Version of Viagra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXeFbodfe-o
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Baker) – St Patrick’s Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Too Good … the last one is a killer!
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to
heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If
you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me
life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
~~~~~
Father
Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against
the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that
when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."
~~~~~
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend,
Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I
died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
~~~~~
Flynn
staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs
bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing
the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A
whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially
painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the
hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as
best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way
to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and
Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all
those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy' s Hat
Murphy showed
up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy
had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the
priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya
come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you
Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I
know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I
knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also
knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass
and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave
after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest
said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal
McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said,
"Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I
didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said;
"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn
in Hell, right ?"
Murphy slowly
shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya
talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I
remembered where I left me hat."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jackster) – Best Game Ever
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He
began his round with an
eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever
hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him
that his wife had just been in a Terrible
accident and was in critical
condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to
inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he
realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up
playing all eighteen,
finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the
club record by five strokes and
beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered
his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the
hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and
shouted, "You went ahead and finished Your
round of golf didn't you!
"I hope you're proud of
yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your
wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and
finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of
her life she will require
'round the clock care. And you'll have to be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty
he broke down and sobbed The doctor snickered
and said, "Just messing
with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dennis Reynaud,
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<cartoons>
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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