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20 April 2007
Hi Everyone!
A couple of groaners, amazing directions from Google, and some very
cool photos! And my supermarket actually
has some of the upgrades listed here!
And I just loved the Weight Loss Program … Hopefully you’ll like ‘em too! Have a superdooper weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents - Contributed by …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Þ
Jackster – Unbelievable
Directions (but true!)
Þ
Joanne Morris – Supermarket Upgrades
Þ
Mark Colman – Finalists: ‘Last Photo I Ever Took’
Contest
Þ
EMDAlan - Web Sites -
Say Them Out Loud
Þ
Dick Szeide – Serious
Groaners
Þ
Chas Young – This Is Good
Þ
SymanSays - Occupational Work Hazards
Þ
Nancy Roth – Weight Loss Program
Þ
Jackster – Catholic
School Bus Accident
Þ
Don – Another Groaner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jackster – Unbelievable
Directions (but true!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Take 60 seconds to do this.
I
guarantee you will pass this on to someone else.
It's
too funny not to.
1.
go to www.google.com
2.
click on "maps"
3.
click on "get directions"
4.
type
5.
type
6.
scroll down to step #23 …
7. read the rest of the route
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Joanne Morris – Supermarket Upgrades
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the
produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder
and the smell of fresh rain.
When
you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh
hay.
When
you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled
with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The
veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I
don't buy toilet paper there any more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mark Colman – Finalists: ‘Last Photo I Ever Took’
Contest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from EMDAlan - Web Sites - Say
Them Out Loud
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All of these are legitimate
companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their
online names might appear ... and be misread.
These are
not made up. Check them out yourself!
1.
Who Represents is where you can find the name of
the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com <http://www.whorepresents.com>
2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base
where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com <http://www.expertsexchange.com>
3. Looking
for a pen? Look no further than
4. Need a
therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
<http://www.therapistfinder.com>
5. There's
the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com <http://www.powergenitalia.com/>
6. And
don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in
www.molestationnursery.com <http://www.molestationnursery.com/>
7. If you're looking for IP computer
software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com <http://www.ipanywhere.com/>
8. The
9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you
at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com <http://www.speedofart.com/>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dick Szeide –
Serious Groaners
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Einstein's 107th birthday passed
recently almost unnoticed. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize
winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his
first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa
because she was well endowed, and postulated
that if you are attracted to women with large breasts; the attraction is
stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be known as Einstein's
Theory of Relative Titty. Oh be quiet - - - I didn't
write this - - - I just forwarded it.
x x x x x x x x x
Evidence has been found that
William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league
records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom
the Tells bowled.
X x x x x x x x x
A marine biologist developed a race
of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a
steady diet of Seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out
so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions
asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly
stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting
gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chas
Young – This Is Good
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walks
into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the
brim with $10 bills.
He guesses
there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks,
"What's up with the jar?"
Well, you pay
$10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man
certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
"Pay
first, those are the rules." says the bartender.
So the man
gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK,"
the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:
First, you
have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at
once and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second,
there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare
hands.
Third, there's
a 90-year old woman upstairs, who has never reached orgasm during intercourse.
You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is
stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of
pepper tequila, and then do those other things"
"Your
call," says the bartender, "but`your money
stays where it is."
As time goes
on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat tequila?" He
grabs the gallon with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp, tears
streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he
staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up, and soon the people inside
the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy
screaming, the pit bull yelping, And then silence.
Just when
they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his
shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now,"
he says. "Where's
the old woman with the sore tooth?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from SymanSays - Occupational
Work Hazards
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[ -From Harry
Chapman- ]
Having served
on various committees, I have drawn up a list of rules:
1) Never
arrive on time: this stamps you as a beginner.
2) Don't say
anything until the meeting is over: this stamps you as being wise.
3) Be as
vague as possible: this avoids irritating others.
4) When in
doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
5)
Be the first to move for adjournment: this will make you popular; it's what
everyone is waiting for.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Nancy
Roth – Weight Loss Program
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy calls a
company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day,
there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic,
19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign
round her neck.
She
introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me,
you can have me."
Without a
second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing,
he finally catches her and has his way with her.
The same girl
shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth
day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as
promised. He then calls the company and
orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day
there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy
woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads:
"If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's
out the door after her like a shot!
This girl is
in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does,
it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days,
the same routine happens.
Much to his
delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost
another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to
go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you
sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most
rigorous program."
"Absolutely,"
he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day
there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular,
7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign
around his neck that reads:
"I'm
Dave. If I catch you, you're mine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jackster – Catholic School Bus Accident
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A train hits
a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven
trying to enter the pearly gates when St.
Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a
male organ?
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with
the tip o f my finger."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is
pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter
says, "Lisa, What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle
that Holy Water, I want to do it before Susie sticks her ass in it".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Don –
Another Groaner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow, a snail
decided to purchase a fast car to make up the difference.
After
shopping around, he decided that the Datsun 240-Z was
the car for him. So he went to the nearest Datsun
dealer and said he wanted to buy the 240-Z, but that he wanted it to be
repainted “240-S”.
The dealer asked, “Why ‘S’?”
“ ‘S’ stands for Snail. I
want everybody I roar past to know who’s driving,” said the snail.
The dealer, wanting to lose neither his commission nor the unique
opportunity to sell a car to a snail, agrees to have the car repainted for a
small fee.
The snail gets his new car and spends the rest of his days roaring
happily down the highway at top speed.
Whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they’d say, “Wow! Look
at that S-car go!”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody
has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES
is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy
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personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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