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18 May 2007
Hi Everyone!
Very excellent this week
sit down, take a deep breath, and get
ready to laugh!
Enjoy the weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
Contributions Gratefully Received From --
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Barbara Rosenberg Advertising
- Syman Fifth-Grade
Science Exam Answers
- Barbara Rosenberg A Couple to Make
You Laugh
- Neil Stenlake Catholic Parrots
- Mark Colman New Universal Sign for
Gasoline
- Neil Stenlake Oh Hell
- the ImberBabe
- Two Beggars in
- Don Domanski No Score
- Tom Sokolowski
Bruce and Jenny
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from the ImberBabe) - Two Beggars in
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two
Beggars in
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of
the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar
behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of
David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says,
"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this
city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you
sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting
beside a beggar who has
a cross . In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other
beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe,
look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake)
Catholic Parrots
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father,
I have a problem.
I
have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What
do they say?" the priest inquired.
They
say,
"Hi,
we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's
obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You
know," he said, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male
talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two
parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and
Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . . in no time."
Thank
you," the woman responded, this may very well be the solution."
The
next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered
her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary
beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with
them.
After
a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi,
we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There
was stunned silence.
Shocked,
one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our
prayers have been answered!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mark Colman) New Universal Sign for Gasoline
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake) Oh Hell
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once
upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always
getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always
kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led
an exemplary life.
As
time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a
heavy drinker and a womaniser. The other brother was
a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One
day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed
away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.
One
day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but
I have not seen him here in heaven."
God
replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not
spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."
I
m sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him
and wish I could see him again."
"You
can see him if you wish", God said "I will give you the power to gaze
into hell."
So
the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw
his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the
other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The
good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing.
I
have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful
woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."
God
explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole
in it. The blonde doesn't."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Don Domanski) No Score
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Syman) Fifth-Grade Science Exam
Answers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From
The 365 Day Clean Joke Book-
Funny
Answers to Fifth-Grade Science Exams:
-
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
-
To collect fumes of sulfer, hold a deacon over a
flame in a test tube.
-
A Fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
-
When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon
monoxide.
-
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
-
Dew is formeed on leaves when the sun shines down on
them and makes
them
perspire.
-
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
-
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration and then expectoration.
- When you breathe, you inspire,. When you do not breathe you expire.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) A Couple to Make You Laugh
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, a man came home and was greeted
by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie
me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he
tied her up and went golfing.
*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car
into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at
the top of her lungs, Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The
husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff?" "Doesnt matter," she said. "Just get out."
******
********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one
person is always right, and the
other
is a husband.
**********************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to
apply for a driver's license. First, of
course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you
read this?" the optician asked. "Read
it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
***********************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns
together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case
of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank
God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out
one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said,
"Paddy, me ol'mate, how we gonna tell who owns which fookin
pig?"
Paddy says "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my fookin
pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks
later when Paddy stormed into the house.
"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the ear offa my fookin pig. Now we
got two fookin pigs with on one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin
pig?"
"Well Paddy" said Paddy
"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig.
Ten we'll av
two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear"
"Ah tat'd
be grand " says Paddy.
Again this worked fine until a couple of
weeks later when Paddy again stormed into the house.
"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig. Now we
got two fookin pigs with no fookin
ears! How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah tis is
serious, Paddy" said Paddy "I'll tell ya
what I'll do.
I'll cut ta
tail offa my fookin pig,
ten we'll av two fookin
pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd
be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by, and you
guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY!" shouted
Paddy "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS
WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS !! HOW THE FOOK ARE WE EVER GONNA
FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART?!"
"Ah fook
it!" says Paddy "How's about you have the black one, and I'll have
the white one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) - Advertising
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The boss of a Madison
Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a
particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone
gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt
out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme:
Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other
products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10
List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very
well for everyone!
The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz
up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker
upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely,
positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but
made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your
peepee. This is your peepee
on drugs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) Bruce and
Jenny
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Bruce and Jenny are
only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him
for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me
and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand
in marriage."
Thinking that this was
just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,"Well Bruce,
you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even
taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger
than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is
just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how
will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need
to support Jenny." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make
10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us
just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is
a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He
thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't
have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, Well Bruce, it
seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one
more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have
little ones of your own?" Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and
says "Well, we've been lucky so far."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES
is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy
for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't
be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged -
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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