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4 June 2007
Hi Everyone!
Been out of sorts for the past 2 Fridays! Ugh!
Please forgive me! I hope these
will get your week started right!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
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- Cousin Toby Blonde Joke
- Aunt Marilyn The Remember Song &
Broke
- Tom Sokolowski
Gotta Love This Womans Thinking!
- Jackster The Bottle of Wine
- Jackieten Jamaican Sandals
- Alan Mackenzie via
- Maureen Zack Oh My!
- Barbara Rosenberg The Tiny Dancer
- Neil Stenlake The Accident
- the ImberBabe
A Funny for Nathan
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(from cousin Toby Blonde Joke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out
as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use
somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge
me?"
The blonde quickly responded,
"How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and
everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the
conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes
all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit
cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right.
I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting
by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to
the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?"
the husband asked.
Yes," the blonde replied,"
and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his
pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde
added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Aunt Marilyn The Remember Song
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Too good
just put aside the needed 3 minutes, turn up your
speakers or headphones, sit back, and enjoy!
J DrB
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yN-6PbqAPM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus fUNNY - Broke
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A successful
rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to
keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and
the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else
applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot
about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing
very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and
the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's
widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as
she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them
neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again,
you're fired!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski Gotta Love This Womans Thinking!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jennifer's wedding day was
fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement--not even her parents'
nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the
best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn
that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her stepmom to
exchange it, but she refused. 'Absolutely not! I look
like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get
another dress. After all, it's your special day.' A few days later, they went
shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch,
Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You
really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.' Her mother just
smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal
dinner the night before the wedding.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jackster The Bottle of Wine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
is something to smile about the next time you see
a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Aboriginal woman if she would like
a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Aboriginal woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said,
"It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The
Aboriginal woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
"Good trade....."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jackieten Jamaican Sandals
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
married couple was on holiday in
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So they walked in, and the
Jamaican said, "I have some special sandals I tink
you would be interested in... Dey make you wild at sex.
"The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband
felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked
the shopkeeper, "How could sandals make you into a sexfreak?
"The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on,
Mon. You doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on.
"So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and
tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look
in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an
eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican,
bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own
pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem
on da wrong feet! Mon,you got dem on da wrong feet."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Alan Mackenzie via
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What
marriage is about
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles
and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and
then set the cup
down between them. As he began to eat
his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and
whispering.
You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can
afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely
offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just
fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the
little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and
occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for
them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing
everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the
young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single
bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered
(This is great)
"THE TEETH."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Maureen Zack Oh My!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An
elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him
to the emergency room. After what seemed
like a very long wait, the E. R. Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long
face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid
he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh,
Dear God!!!" cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with
shock. "We've never had a Republican in the family before."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg The Tiny Dancer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the
bag.
The man reaches into the bag and
pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag
and pulls out a small
piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a
tiny piano bench, which
he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the
piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did
you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into
the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says
"Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp,
and suddenly there's a gust of smoke
and a beautiful genie
is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish.
Each person is only allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited.
Without hesitating he says, "I want a
million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon
followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man
and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a
million bucks, not a
million ducks."
"Tell me about it!!"
says the man, "do you really think I asked for 12 inch pianist!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake The Accident
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning,
took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the
enrapt congregation:
"I
want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered
this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and
hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the
Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The
congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously
uneasy and writhed in their seats. "Jim has been in terrible pain all
month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing
his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed
work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them
the personal love that they need.
Worst
of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant
pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into
oblivion.
I
would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us,
that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."
A
dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible
accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with
the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."
Then,
as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the
congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the
microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:
My
name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from the ImberBabe A Funny for
Nathan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Israelis and Arabs finally realized that if they continued
fighting, they would someday end up destroying the world.
So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight. The
negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting
dog they could.
The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the
disputed areas.
The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers
in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the
meanest Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all
the other puppies and fed them the best food . They
used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine.
After the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on
its cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast. When the day of the big
fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a strange animal.
It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Israelis. No one
else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the
Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs would win in less than a minute. The
cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the center of the ring.
The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he
got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed
the Arab beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from
the killer dog's tail.
The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in disbelief. "We
do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with
the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They developed
a killing machine."
"Really?" the Israelis replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons
working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
(Aside: to those of you who
dont know, my dog is a Dachsund named Nathan - after
Nathans hot dogs! J DrB)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES
is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy
for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't
be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually
desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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fUNNIES, 1996-2007. All Rights Reserved.