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10 June 2007
Hi Everyone!
Sorry these are coming to you after Friday had to go to a funeral! But hopefully, theyll start your week off
right!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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- Barbara Rosenberg
Cartoons
- Chas Young Boy on a
Bus
- Joel Goldstein &
from Aunt Marilyn The Remember Song
- Jerry Valentine
Blonde Joke
- Maureen Zack
Mystery Solved!
- And from Tom Sokolowski
- Retarded Grandparents
- New Car Alarm
- Choking Son
- Results Get Rewarded!
- A Blonde Joke to End
All Blonde Jokes
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(from Barbara Rosenberg - Cartoons
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(from Chas Young Boy on a Bus
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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a Book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The Little boy asked why he wore his
collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said. "I am a Father."
The little boy replied. "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered. "I am the Father of
many."
The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two Grandchildren and
he doesn't wear his collar that way!
The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of Hundreds"
and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said.
"Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your
collar..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski Retarded Grandparents
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RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(this was actually reported by a teacher)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the
following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and
they moved to
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it
fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do
them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with
hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go
cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every
night --- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.The ones who do get out, bring food back to the
wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded
someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man
in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their
grandchildren.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Joel Goldstein & from Aunt Marilyn The Remember
Song
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To
all my old friends - and to the not so old, who are getting older... Tom Rush, and hes simply
terrific!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yN-6PbqAPM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski New Car Alarm
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Takes
30 seconds, rated G, as long as you have headphones on
or speakers if no one
else is around!
New
Car Alarm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jerry Valentine Blonde Joke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This blonde decides one day that she is
sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are
perceived as stupid.
So, she decides to show her husband that
blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she
decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband
leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds
his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is
wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket. He goes over and asks
her if she is OK.
She replies yes. He asks what she is
doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all
blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to
do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said
...
You'll love this ...
Yep! I know you will
...
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski Choking Son
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Father walked into a bookstore with
his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going
blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts
panicking and shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious
looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the store reading a newspaper
and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts
her coffee cup down, neatly folds
the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat
and makes her way unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his
pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze them, gently at first and
then
twists them and squeezes them very firmly. After a few seconds the
boy convulses violently, screams and coughs up the quarter, which
the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman
hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee
bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill
effects the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, thank you, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No", the woman replied. "Divorce Attorney."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Maureen Zack Mystery Solved!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Japanese have finally solved a mystery for
us.
How does the small arrow on your computer
monitor work when you move
the mouse? Haven't you ever wondered? Now,
through the miracle
of high technology, we can see how it is done. With the aid of a screen magnifying lens, the
mechanism becomes apparent.
Click on the link below and you will find out.
Be patient. The image will take a minute (or three) to download and when
it appears, slowly move your mouse over
the light gray circle and you will see how the magic works. Also, click on the circle.
Follow this link and find out the truth: http://www.1-click.jp/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski Results Get
Rewarded!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly
Gates. Ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt,
leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter says to this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know
whether to admit you to the
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi
driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and
it's the >>ister's turn. He stands erect
and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of
Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister,
"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the
"Just a minute!" says the minister. "That man
was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can
this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.
"While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski
- A Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde woman was
speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a
woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde
cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look
like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied,
"It's square and it has your picture on
it."
The driver finally found a
square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it
is," she said. The
blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying...
"Okay, you can go. I
didn't realize you were a cop."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY
fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who
submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend
started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so
please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively
encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME,
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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fUNNIES, 1996-2007. All Rights Reserved.