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14 June 2007
Hi Everyone!
Thanks to all our contributors this week
a GREAT set
make a
few extra minutes to go thru them all
you wont be
sorry! Wishing you a terrific
superdooper weekend and a fun Fathers Day !
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Tom Sokolowski Catholic Gasoline
- Paul Keister Practical
Solution to Political Problems
- Dave Thorn Double Top
10
- Jerry Valentine
Creative Thinking
- Maureen Zack
Interesting Statistics
- Barbara Rosenberg -
#1 Song on Your Birthdate
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski Catholic Gasoline
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency,
was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients
when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it,
a gas station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy
some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can
he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until
it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided
not to wait, and walked back to her car. She looked for
something in her car that she could fill with gas, and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched
from across the street. One of the them turned to the other
and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a painter named
As it happened, he got away with this for some time,
but eventually the
Wayne put in a bid, and, because his price was so low,
he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting
up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning
it down with turpentine.
Well,
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..
(you're going to love this)
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Paul Keister Practical Solution to Political Problems
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just a note to tell you that my mailbox is being flooded with
email concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants, to boycott oil companies or
not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc. Since I have become
jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra
Club, ACLU, etc., I have elected to solve the problems as they affect me. My
response solves both my gas and illegal
Don't you love it when a plan comes together?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dave Thorn Double Top 10
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top Ten Signs You're
Watching A Bad Organized Crime
Show
10.
It chronicles the life and times of the
9.
Mob bosses settle conflicts with spirited game of Trivial Pursuit
8.
Only illegal activity is double parking
7.
Mobsters whack an informant by driving up his cholesterol with rich
desserts
6.
Boss makes guy an offer he has the option of refusing
5.
All nine mobsters played by Eddie Murphy -- remember "Norbit"
is now available on DVD
4.
They sit around eating sausage and pepperoni Hot Pockets
3.
Everyone dies after catching tuberculosis from guy on airplane
2.
Crime syndicate is run from behind bars by
1. It's less violent than a typical
episode of "The View"
Top Ten Surprises in "The Sopranos"
Series Finale
10.
Paula Abdul shows up as celebrity judge, thinks the
Sopranos are singers
9. Bada Bing strip club changes into bingo
parlor named "Bada Bingo!"
8. Pauly Walnuts reveals hair coloring routine
after signing exclusive contract with Just For Men
7. Tony comes out of the shower to find it was all a dream and he's actually
just a fat guy from
6. Dr. Melfi reveals she's actually a podiatrist
5. Bob Barker neuters Tony
4.
Tony seated next to Tuberculosis Guy on flight to witness protection program
3. Ugly turf war with The Altos and The Baritones
2. Rosie O'Donnell makes guest appearance as Tony's long lost twin brother
1. Tony's psychiatrist says he can't go to prison because of "medical
condition"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jerry Valentine Creative Thinking
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why I got Fired....
For the Annual Company
Picnic, management had decided that because of liability issues, we could have alcohol ,
but only one (1) drink per person...
I was fired for ordering the cups.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Maureen Zack Interesting Statistics
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Regardless of where you stand on the
issue of the
The firearm death rate in
Conclusion: The
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the end of this message, you are
asked a question.
Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it.
Just say the first thing that pops into your mind.
This is a fun "test"... AND kind of spooky at the same time! Give it
a try, then e-mail it around (including back to me) and you'll see how many
people you know fall into the same percentage as you. Be sure to put in the
subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%.!
You'll understand what that means after you finish taking the test".
Now... just follow the instructions as quickly as possible.
Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous one.
You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your
mind.
You'll be surprised.
Start:
How much is:
15 + 6
3 + 56
89 + 2
12 + 53
75 + 26
25 + 52
63 + 32
I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over..
Come on, one more!
123 + 5
QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL!
Scroll further to the bottom....
A bit more...
You just thought about a red
hammer! , didn't you?
If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a different, if
not abnormal, mind.
98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise.
If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see.
Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2% and send
to everyone. .
Oh, BTW, in searching the web,
the consensus explanation is that is that the specific numerical calculations
have nothing to do with this...They just clear the mind such that most people
will respond with the statistically highest responses...
http://www.thecorpuscle.com/2005/07/red_hammer_thin.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi! This is for you baseball players....
3 Old Ladies
from
This is a detective story
So Pay Close Attention!!!
Three elderly ladies are excited about
seeing their first baseball
game.
They smuggle a bottle of
into the ball park.
The game is real exciting and
they are enjoying themselves immensely...mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft
drinks.
Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of
innings to go.
Based on the given information, what inning is it and
how many players are on base?
Think!
Think some more!!
You're gonna love it
Answer:
It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags
are loaded!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman takes a lover home during the day
while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home
unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after
getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells
her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in
there.
After a little while the little boy says,
"Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright
not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, "Yes, it
is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again
that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, "OK How much this time?"
Boy
- "$750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boys' father says
to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a
game of soccer.
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
ball and boots."
The father asks, "How much did you
sell them for and to who?"
The boy says, "To a friend of mine
for a $1,000."
The father says, "That's a terrible
thing to do, overcharging your friend like that". "That's four times
what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you
confess your terrible sin."
They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here".
The priest says, "Don't start that
shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now"!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg - #1 Song on Your Birthdate
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you know what the #1 song was on the
day you were born?
Click this link to find out.
http://www.joshhosler.biz/NumberOneInHistory/SelectMonth.htm
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY
fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who
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please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively
encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME,
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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