tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES by Dr Bernie

The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com (full media) and at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only). The archives reside at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

27 July 2007

Hi Everyone! If you have a couple of minutes, you’ll love these to get you in the right mood for the weekend! Enjoy!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contributions This Week From -

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Tom Sokolowski – Blonde Rancher Gal
Susan via Syman – By Definition
EMDAlan – The Doctor
Gary Javitch – Construction Measurements
cousin Toby – Tell Me This Wont Happen to Us
Barbara Rosenberg - Cannibal
Tom Sokolowski – In Heaven
Neil Stenlake – Southern Belle
Neil Stenlake – Word Puzzle
Maureen Zack – The Accident

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(from Tom Sokolowski – Blonde Rancher Gal

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Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way to check the cows, he says to her, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above the cow's stall. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" Then the rancher leaves for the field. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door, Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks. "Tell me, lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently. Then the man asks, "What is the nail for?" She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

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(from Susan via Syman – By Definition

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The Washington Posts Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Some winners were:

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

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(from EMDAlan – The Doctor

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I recently chose a new primary care physician in our new health plan.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing on the beach?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

Then he looked at me and asked,

"Then why do you give a shit?"

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(from Gary Javitch – Construction Measurements

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Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, and looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length." Bubba and Junior are currently supervising the reconstruction of the city of New Orleans.

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(from cousin Toby – Tell Me This Wont Happen to Us

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An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the backseat by mistake."

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(from Barbara Rosenberg - Cannibal

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A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
opened by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00

Fried Explorer: $15.00

Baked Politician: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're full of shit!"

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(from Tom Sokolowski – In Heaven

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A young couple in love were in an automobile accident the night before their wedding, and both were killed. In heaven, they approached St. Peter.

"My fiancé and I really miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"

St. Peter replied, "I'll tell you what -- after you have gone through an appropriate waiting period, we will talk about it again."

Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married.

They approached St. Peter again, and he told them, "I'm sorry, I know that five years was a long time to wait, but there's a problem. You'll have to wait a little bit longer."

Another five years pass, when St. Peter excitedly approached the c. "Your wait is over, and you may marry now. Thanks for your patience."

The couple got married.

Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, the couple realized that they were not compatible. Going to see St. Peter, they asked if their was such a thing as divorce in heaven.

St. Peter gave them a cold stare, and said sternly, "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

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(from Neil Stenlake – Southern Belle

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The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"

"Why yes, that would be nice," the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"

"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did?"

Well, our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.

He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh .. mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"

"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in.

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible sex imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What the hell have I done?"

He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

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(from Neil Stenlake – Word Puzzle

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I am only sending this to my smart friends, relatives ... and you !

I could not figure it out at all until seeing the answer.

See if you can figure out what these words have in common

Banana

Dresser

Grammar

Potato

Revive

Uneven

Assess* *

Are you peeking or have you already given up?

Give it another try.

You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. Go back and look at them again; think hard. OK ... here you go.... Hope you didn't cheat!

This is cool.

Scroll down

Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

Did you figure it out? I did not!

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(from Maureen Zack – The Accident

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At dawn the telephone rings.

Hello, Senior Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senior, that

your parrot died."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senior, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. "What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senior"

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senior. He ate the meat off the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"Your thoroughbred, Senior Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senior"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senior! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senior."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senior...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE...............

"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep trouble!"

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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