tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES by Dr Bernie

The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com (full media) and at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only). The archives reside at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

3 August 2007

Hi Everyone!

Took a while to get started today getting these together … lots of people decided to hate me this week and I had to get over it … but they’re great! PLEASE, make sure you make an extra minute or two to get to the bottom this week … the altenative ending to the Wizard of Oz is simply spectacular!!

Have a terrific weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contribution This Week From -
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Tom Sokolowski – Florida Marriage
Steve Hurley - Sunburn
Steve Imberman – A Sick One
Syman – More Grafitti
Sokolowski – Idiot Award
Neil Stenlake – Gotta Laugh at our Future
Shelly – Who Is This Man?
Frank Ingrassia – Take Me Back to the Sixties
Steve Hurley – Sensitive Man

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(from Tom Sokolowski – Florida Marriage

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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal

Registry."

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(from Steve Hurley - Sunburn

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A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn.

He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and seeing the severe pain he is in, the doctor prescribes an IV with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra Pill every four hours. The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do him, Doctor? "

It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

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(from Steve Imberman – A Sick One

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A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over lattes the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon." The Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics" The Italian, nodding, says, "But we built the Roman Empire ."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

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(from Syman – More Grafitti

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More Graffiti: Private scrawls on public walls.

- Don't lend people money...It gives them amnesia.

- There's too much month left at the end of the money.

- Will the person who robbed the First National Bank please drop in for your pictures.

- It takes scratch to go to your dermatologist.

- Is the thigh the limit?

- Planters is nuts.

_ Jack and Jill are over the hill.

_ Someday we'll look back on all this and shudder.

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(from Sokolowski – Idiot Award

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This picture is real - not doctored in any way - and was taken by a Transportation Supervisor for a company that delivers building materials for 84 Lumber. When he saw it in the parking lot of IHOP, he went to buy a camera to take pictures.

The car is still running, as can be witnessed by the exhaust.

The driver finally came back after the police were called, and was found crouched behind the rear of the car, attempting to cut the twine around the load! Luckily, the police stopped him and had the load removed

The materials were loaded at Home Depot. Their store manager said they made the customer sign a waiver.

While the plywood and 2X4's are fairly obvious, what you can't see is the back seat, which contains -- are you ready for this? -- 10 bags of concrete @ 80 lbs. each.

They estimated the load weight at 3000 lbs. Both back tires exploded, the wheels bent and the back shocks were driven through the floorboard.

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(from Neil Stenlake – Gotta Laugh at our Future

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Mildred, 93, was despondent over the Recent death of her husband Earl, So she decided to just kill herself And join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it Over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to Shoot herself in the heart since it was So badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become A vegetable and a burden to someone, she called Her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman," The doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?"

She hung up without answering

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital Wwth a gunshot wound to her knee.

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(from Shelly – Who Is This Man?

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A) German Ambassador to the United States?

B) Former Reagan press secretary?

C) A Justice of the Supreme Court?

D) Presidential candidate in 08?

E) CEO of Haliburton?

The answer is:

We ARE getting old!

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(from Frank Ingrassia – Take Me Back to the Sixties

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http://moreoldfortyfives.com/TakeMeBackToTheSixties.htm

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(from Steve Hurley – Sensitive Man

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A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says

…

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

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(from jackster – A YouTube Recommendation

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An alternative ending for the Wizard of Oz … what Dorothy was really thinking!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6exm2Hi28Xw

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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