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Contributions (jokes, NOT money!)
are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent
directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
9 August 2007
Hi Everyone!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contribution This Week From -
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- Paul Keister Only in
- EMDAlan Cleaning Glasses
- SYMAN Understanding
Golf
- Paul Keister Casinos
- Elyse in
- Chuck Hopf Aging with Humor
- Hank Harris Jewish Bra
- Tom D - Water Play
Can Be Dangerous To Your Health...
- Chuck Hopf Only a
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(from Paul Keister Only in
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A store that sells new husbands has just opened in
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six
floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the
flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose
to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a
husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second
floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice", she thinks, "but I
want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign
reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled
to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are
Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I
can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign
reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are
Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the
sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this
floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that
women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a
New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have
money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have
never been visited.
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(from EMDAlan Cleaning Glasses
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<center> <script type="text/javascript"
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from SYMAN Understanding Golf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In primitive society, when
native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft;
today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
The man who takes up golf
to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.
Golf was once a rich man's
sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
Golf is an expensive way of
playing marbles.
The secret of good golf is
to hit the ball hard, straight, and not too often.
An amateur golfer is one who
addresses the ball twice; once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a
golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize, or laugh.
Golf is a game in which the
slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are
those behind.
Golf
got its name because all the other four-letter words were taken.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Paul Keister - Casinos
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in
Not
surprisingly, some worshippers at sunday
services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
since they get chips
from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the
offerings.
the churches send all their collected
chips to a nearby franciscan monastery for sorting
and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
this is done by the chip monks...!.:) Didnt even see it comin,
did ya?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Elyse in
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Actual call center
conversations!
Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two
days and can't get
through; can you help?" Operator: "Where
did you get that number, sir?" Customer: "It's on the door
of your business." Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we
are open." +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for
Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are
talking about." Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it
clearly
states that I need to unplug the fax machine from
the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you
give me the number for Jack?" Operator: "I think it means the
telephone plug on the wall."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller
who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: "Woven? Are you
sure?" Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man
making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried
operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the
number on."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need
you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "OK." Tech
Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech
Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a
pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can
you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure.
You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a
file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my
system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chuck Hopf Aging with Humor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just
before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and
asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.
"Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker
commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?" _________________________________ Reporters
interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best
thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No
peer pressure." _______________________________ I've sure gotten
old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought
prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than
a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and
subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly
feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or
92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I
still have my driver's license.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski Redneck
Updates
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Hank Harris Jewish Bra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Jewish man walked into the Lingerie Department
of Macy's in
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked,
"What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said to
tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra and that you would know what she
wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," said the
saleslady. "We don't get as many requests
for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or thePresbyterian bra."
Confused, and a
little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"
The saleslady responded. "It is all really
quite simple. The Catholic bra supports
the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute and said:
"Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra
do?"
"Ah, the Jewish bra," she replied,
"makes mountains out of molehills."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom D - Water Play Can Be Dangerous To Your Health...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9X1Fwh7fek
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chuck Hopf Only a
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Only a
A plane
passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from
bad to worse when one wing was struck by
lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane
and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I
want my last minutes on earth to be
memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a
moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front
of the plane. Then a man from
She gasped... Then, he spoke... "Iron this -- and then get me a beer."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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