The current issue of the fRIDAY
fUNNIES can be found at http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com (full media) and at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie
(text-only). The archives reside at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!)
are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent
directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
17 August 2007
Hi Everyone!
These
should get you going this weekend! Thanks
everyone … and I just wanted to mention that I’d like to dedicate this weeks’ fRIDAY fUNNIES to my old friend
Dr Bob who passed away last week … a great sense of humor, and a great friend.
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Paul
Keister – Medical Distinction
- Tom
Sokolowski – Nursery Rhymes We Didn’t Have As
Kids
- Clark
Kidd – The Laws of Life
- Fred
Silver – Toilet Humor
- Barbara
Rosenberg – Paramedic Response
- Tom
Sokolowski – Best Joke of the Year in
- Mark
Colman – Dangerous Virus Alert
- Barbara
Rosenberg – Smarter or Stoopider
- Mark
Colman – NY Lawyer vs Texas Deputy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Paul Keister – Medical Distinction
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We've all heard about people having
guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort
to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and
having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking,
there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aunt Aggie went to see her physician. “One
minute, I hear something to do. You've gotta
help me; I just can't remember a thing. I've no memory at all. I hear something
one minute , and the next minute I forget it. Tell me,
what should I do?"
Her doctor replied, "Pay me in advance."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski – Nursery Rhymes
We Didn’t Have As Kids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of
bread.
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To
have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill And
now they have a son.
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man, "What have you got
there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon, "Pies, you Dumb Ass"
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs, For breakfast again.
HEY DIDDLE,
DIDDLE the cat took a piddle, A
ll over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed
to see such fun.
Then died
of electric shock.
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good. But when she was
bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Clark Kidd – The Laws of Life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE
LAWS OF LIFE
Law
of Mechanical Repair After
your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll
have to go to the bathroom.
Law
of the Workshop Any
tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law
of Probability The
probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your
act.
Law
of the Telephone If
you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law
of the Alibi If
you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very
next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation
Law If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to
move faster than the one you are in now.
Law
of the Bath Once
the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law
of Close Encounters The
probability of meeting someone you know increases exponentially when you are
with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law
of the Result When
you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law
of Bio mechanics The
severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law
of the Theater At
any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law
of Hot Drinks As
soon as you sit down with a hot drink, your boss will ask you to do something
that will last until the drink is cold.
Murphy's
Law of Lockers If
there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law
of Carpets The
chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a carpet is
logarithmically correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet.
Law
of Logical Argument Anything
is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's
Law If the shoe
fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's
Law A closed
mouth gathers no feet.
Doctors'
Law (dual outcome) If you don't feel well, make an
appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.
Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Fred Silver –
Toilet Humor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
{ video available from the full media site: http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com
)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg – Paramedic Response
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Due to a power outage,
only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic
asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he
could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen
did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and
after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet
and spanked him on his bottom. Connor
began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked
Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought
about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen
quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski – Best Joke of
the Year in
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Voted best joke of the year in
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, Darling, this
is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.'
His wife is lying in bed and replies, 'I think you'll find that that's a sheep, you idiot'.
The man says, 'I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mark Colman – Dangerous Virus Alert
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is a
dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you
receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via
any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life
completely.
If you
should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good
friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as
Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until
WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should
forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have
already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg – Smarter or Stoopider
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Try your hand at this! This moves fast so be prepared. But it's
a good test of our minds.
Click smartorstoopid
or if that doesn't work click here:
http://www.flashbynight.com/test/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mark Colman – NY Lawyer vs
Texas Deputy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only in
A
lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He
thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from
The
deputy says," License and registration, please."
"What
for?" says the lawyer.
The
deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Then
the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You
still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License
and registration, please."
The
lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The
difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License
and registration, please!" the Deputy says.
Lawyer
says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop,
I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not,
you let me go and don't g ive me the ticket."
"That
sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.
At
this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the daylights out of the lawyer and says,
"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly
distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is
intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended.
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually
desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this
fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter
your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box.
I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!
Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the
weekly email!
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY
fUNNIES, 1996-2007. All Rights Reserved.