tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES by Dr Bernie

The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com (full media) and at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only).

The archives reside at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

7 September 2007

Hi Everyone!

I’ve been off the planet for a bit … my apologies. Hopefully, smiles and laugh will return to your happy faces this week! Whoohoo!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contributions This Week From -
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Syman – Finding the Perfect Man
Gerry Rusthoven – Medical Fact
Cousin Toby – A Lawyer & a Woman
Neil Stenlake – Nerd Humor
Elyse - You Know You're From New York City When ...
Chas Young – Chicken Joke
another from Chas – Choosing a Wife
Pete and France – Body Meeting
another from Clark – Out of the Office Responses

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Syman – Finding the Perfect Man

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At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night."

An old granny overheard and spoke up. "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

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(from Gerry Rusthoven – Medical Fact

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Here's something for all you medical know-it-alls...

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve
that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It is called the 'anal optic nerve'. It's responsible
for giving people a 'shitty outlook' on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass,
and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

Just thought you would want to know.

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(from Cousin Toby – A Lawyer & a Woman

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A lawyer and a woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The woman is tired

and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a

few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a

question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me

one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the woman's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to

play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from

the earth to the moon?" The woman doesn't say a word, reaches in to her

purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's

the woman's turn.

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down

with four?" The lawyer has a perplexed look on his face as the woman leans

away and falls asleep. The Lawyer starts using his laptop, searches all

references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library

of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no

avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up.

He wakes up the woman and hands her $500. The woman takes the $500 and

goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.

He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and

comes down with four?"

The woman reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to

sleep.

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(from Neil Stenlake – Nerd Humor

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(from Elyse - You Know You're From New York City When ...

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1. You're 39 years old and don't have a driver's license.

2. You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available.

3. You take the train home and you know exactly where on the platform the doors will open that will leave you right in front of the exit stairway.

4. You know what a “regular" coffee is.

5. It's not ' manhattan'; it's the "city."

6. There is no north and south. It's "uptown" or "downtown." if you're really from new york you have absolutely no concept of where north and south are.... (& east or west is "crosstown"!)

7. You cross the street anywhere but on the corners and you yell at cars for not respecting your right to do it.

8. You move 3,000 miles away, spend 10 years learning the local language and people still know you're from brooklyn the minute you open your mouth.

10. You return after 10 years and the first foods you want are a "real" pizza and a "real" bagel.

11. A 500 square foot apartment is large.

12. You know the differences between all the different ray's pizzas.

13. You are not under the mistaken impression that any human being would be able to actually stand a p.a. announcement on the subway.

14. You wouldn't bother ordering pizza in any other city.

15. You get ready to order dinner every night and must choose from the major food groups which are: chinese, italian, mexican or indian.

16. You're not the least bit interested in going to times square on new year's eve.

17. Your internal clock is permanently set to know when alternate side of the street parking regulations are in effect.

18. You know what a bodega is.

19. Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.

20. You don’t even notice the lady walking down the road having a perfectly normal conversation with herself.

21. You pay "only" $230 a month to park your car.

22. You cringe at hearing people pronounce houston st. Like the city in texas .

23. The presidential visit is a major traffic jam, not an honor.

24. You can nap on the subway and never miss your stop.

25. The deli guy gives you a straw with any beverage you buy, even if it's a beer.

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(from Chas Young – Chicken Joke

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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.

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(another from Chas – Choosing a Wife

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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup, buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then . . . . . . . . .

He married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

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(from Pete and France – Body Meeting

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The asshole is usually in charge !!

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(from Clark Kidd – A Modern Fable

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One day, the seven dwarfs left to go work at the factory.

Snow White stayed home to prepare lunch.

When she arrived at the factory with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible explosion. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that some of the dwarfs had survived.

"Hello, hello," she called.

"Can anyone hear me? Hello."

For quite a while there was no answer.

Losing hope, Snow White called again, "Hello, can anyone hear me?"

Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep under the rubble. The voice said, "Vote for Hillary. Vote for Hillary."

Snow White, somewhat relieved screamed out, "Oh, thank goodness, Dopey is still alive."

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(another from Clark – Out of the Office Responses

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Here are a selection of "out of the office" email responses that can be used when you're away ---

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I were in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our Upper management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message.
Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many people did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me.
Please wait by your computer for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of Loren.

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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