The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com (full media) and at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie
(text-only).
The archives reside at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!)
are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent
directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
5 October 2007
Hi Everyone!
Gotta love em all! Have a
great weekend!!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Syman - Just Ask
- Denny
- Tom Sokolowski Research Study
- EMDAlan Lunch
- Tom Sokolowski Cheerleaders
- Tom Sokolowski Never Enough
- Barbara Rosenberg
Dear Husband
- John Meeker Where Shooting
Stars Come From
- Tom Sokolowski Birds and Bees
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Syman
- Just Ask
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alice Wickhammer
of Jester Hill offers insight into your day-to-day traumas.
Dear Alice,
I just read that in the
future dentures will be held in place with tiny magnets rather than adhesive.
Is this true?
-Toothless-
Dear Toothless,
I
sure hope so. It would mean that instead of putting my plates in a glass of
water by the bed, I can hang them on the refrigerator door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Denny
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three handsome dogs are walking down the street.
They see a very beautiful, enticing, Poodle.
The three dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her
first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. They are
speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves
and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her
obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them,
'The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an
imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.'
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, 'I love liver and
cheese.'
'Oh, how childish,' said the Poodle. 'That shows no imagination or intelligence
whatsoever.'
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says 'How well can you do?'
'Um. I HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the Golden Retriever.
'My, my,' said the Poodle. 'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the
Lab's sentence.'
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, 'How about you, little
guy?'
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the
" Liver
alone. Cheese mine "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski Research Study
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Results of a recent
research shows that there are 7 kinds of
sex.
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex -
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex
until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex
- This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so
needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex
- This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex
has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
- This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you
pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious
Sex - Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at
night.(Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex - This
is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and
screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least.........
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social
Security Sex - You get a little each month. But not enough to
enjoy yourself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
President Bush decides to
leave the White House for some recreation and goes out to sit in a local bar. A
guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush sitting at the end
of the bar?"
The bartender says,
"Yep, that's him." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is
a real honor! What are you doing in here Mr.
President?"
Bush says, Im planning WW
III." The guy says, "Really?
What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, I'm
going to kill 500 million Arabs and one blonde with big tits.
The guy exclaimed, "A
blonde with big tits? Why kill a
blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to the bartender
and says,
"See, I told you, no
one will give a shit about 500 million Arabs".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from EMDAlan - Lunch
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A crusty old biker, on a
summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over
the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN
Checking his wallet for
the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three
exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of
farmers.
Yes?" she inquires
with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was
wondering," whispers the biker, "are you the young lady who gives the
hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she
purrs, "I am."
The old biker replies,
"Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski - Cheerleaders
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You don't have to live in
the
The
The LSU'S Golden Girls!
The
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski Never Enough
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his
shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.
He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The
butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of
lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth there is a ten dollar
bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and
places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing
time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down
the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag
in mouth, for the lights to change. It does, and he walks across the road, with
the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The
butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one
of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right
bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets
up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the
button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the
butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path,
and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a
big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door.
He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!
There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on
a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a
window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the
wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door,
and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What on earth are you doing? This
dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for goodness sake!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass. This is the second time this
week he's forgotten his key!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg Dear Husband
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your trip I just want to let you know about the
small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the
driveway. Fortunately, not too bad and I really
didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway, I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The
garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted
personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a
picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
BE SURE AND
SCROLL PAST THE PICTURE !!!
P.S. Your girlfriend
called.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Meeker Where Shooting Stars Come From
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
one from the
http://www.youtube.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski Birds and
Bees
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father asked his
10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny'
speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you
hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly
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intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions
(jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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