The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
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(text-only).
The archives reside at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!)
are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent
directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
19 October 2007
Hi Everyone!
Funniest
collection in weeks
make a few extra minutes to read em
all
you wont be sorry. And please, have a soooper-doooper-terrrrrific
weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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- Mark Colman Best Pumpkins
- Paul
Keister French Art Humor
- Barbara Rosenberg
This is Soooooooo Bad
- Elyse
Hell of a Place
- Chuck
Hopf Captain Kidd Meets Captain Hook
- Don
Talking to God
- Tom
Sokolowski Gotta Love
Aussie Commercials
- Maureen
Zack Still Want to Eat Out?
- another
from Maureen How To Recognize a Blonde Antelope
- EMDAlan Definition of Old
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mark Colman AND from Chuck Hopf Best Pumpkins
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Paul Keister French Art
Humor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A thief in
However, he was captured
only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could
mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur,that is the reason I
stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(And you thought I didn't
have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.)
I figured I had nothing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg This is Soooooooo
Bad
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maybe politically incorrect, but....what the hell
hope youre
still in a punny mood after the last one! - DrB
Two Muslim
mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of
goat's milk. The older of the moms pulls out her bag and starts flipping
through pictures and reminiscing. This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would
be 24 now."
The other mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."
Mom says, "He's a martyr now."
"Oh, so sad my dear."
Mom flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Kalid. He
would be 21."
"Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."
Mom sighs, "He's a martyr, too."
"Oh gracious me," says the second mother.
"And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed! He would be 18," Mom
whispers.
"Yes," says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he
first started
school.
"He's a martyr also," Mom says, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause an d a deep sigh, the second Muslim
mother looks wistfully at
the photos and says, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Elyse Hell of a Place
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a
heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting
for him.
'I don't know what to do here,' says the
devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to
stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks
here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to
take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so
the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was
Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty
handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was
his fate in hell.
'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm
not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'
The devil opened a second door. Through
it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his
legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief,
and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'
The devil smiled and said . . . . . . .
. <This is priceless>
'OK, Monica, you're free to go.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chuck Hopf Captain
Kidd Meets Captain Hook
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Captain Hook and Captain
Kidd meet in the Pirates Cove Bar. Kidd says to Hook, "What's wrong with
you? You're a mess. Look at your hand ...
you've got no hand ... just that
metal hook. What happened?"
"Musket exploded in my
hand."
"And your leg, there's
no bottom of the leg, just a peg."
"British cannon
ball."
"And your eye, that
black patch over it, what happened?"
"Pigeon crapped in
it."
"How could you lose
your eye from a pigeon crapping in it?"
"First
day with the new hand."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Don Talking to God
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
man in
Going
to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He
spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign,
which read "Calls: $10,000 a minute.
Seeking
out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that
this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price
he can talk directly to God.
The
man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit
churches in
Finally,
he arrived in
The
pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski Gotta Love Aussie Commercials
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gotta Love Aussie
Commercials
http://blip.tv/file/get/Drbernie-LoveThoseAussieCommercials723.mpg
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Maureen Zack Still Want to Eat Out?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Spoon
For all of you
who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster,
this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference
to an organization.
Last week, we
took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took
our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a
little strange. When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a
spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had
spoons in their pockets.
When the
waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, he
explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting
to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded
that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop
frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are
better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save
15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would
have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare.
"I'll get another spoon next time! I go to the kitchen, instead of making
an extra trip to get it right now."
I was
impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's
fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging
from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me,
but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh,
certainly!" Then he
lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I
mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this
string to the tip of you know what, we can pull
it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening
the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.
I asked
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well,"
he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(another from Maureen How To Recognize a Blonde Antelope
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know how much you like blonde
jokes
http://blip.tv/file/get/Drbernie-HowToRecognizeABlondeAntelope817.wmv
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from EMDAlan Definition of Old
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First you tell your friend that you are having an
affair.......
Then your friend asks you.......... "Are you
having it catered?"
That, my friend, is the definition of OLD
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly
distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is
intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions
(jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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