The current issue of the fRIDAY
fUNNIES can be found at http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com (full media) and at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie
(text-only). The archives reside at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!)
are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent
directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
9 November 2007
Hi Everyone!
Absolutely
terrific this week … thanks from me to so many of you who sent some really
great fUNNIES – I’m sorry I couldn’t get ‘em all in! But they’re
in the queue! Hope you have a great
weekend – me? I’m going to a birthday party for my one-year old
granddaughter! Whoohoo!
Be
good – and if you’re not, at least don’t get caught being bad!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·
EMDAlan – the Prostate
Exam
·
Mark Colman – Forgive Your Enemies
·
Tom Sokolowski –
History Quiz
·
Sokolowski – A Lady Dies
…
·
Irving4 – Believe in Yourself!
·
Neil Stenlake - New
Atomic Element Identified
·
Stan Kegel – Puns &
Riddles
·
Chuck Hopf – Halloween Striptease
·
Scott Dismukes – The Outhouse
·
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from EMDAlan – the Prostate Exam
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mark Colman – Forgive Your Enemies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toward
the end of Sunday service, the minister asked. "How many of you have
forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The
minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly
lady. "Mrs. Jones?" "Are you
not willing to forgive your enemies?" i don't have any, she replied,
smiling sweetly. Mrs.
Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you? Ninety-eight,
she replied. Oh, Mrs. Jones would you please come down in
front and tell us all how a person can
live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy?
The
little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and
said: "I outlived the
bitches."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski – History Quiz
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND
NOW ... HOW ABOUT A LITTLE QUIZ? A little history lesson: If you don't know the
answer make your best guess. Answer all the questions before looking at the
answers. Who said it? 1) "We're going to take things away from you on
behalf of the common good."
A. Karl Marx B. Adolph Hitler C. Joseph Stalin D. None of the above
2) "It's time for a new beginning, for an end to government of the few,
by the few, and for the few...and to replace it with shared responsibility for
shared prosperity."
A. Lenin B. Mussolini C. Idi Amin
D. None of the Above
3) "(We)...can't just let business as usual go on, and that means
something has to be taken away from some people."
A. Nikita Khrushev B. Jose f
Goebbels C. Boris Yeltsin D. None of the above
4) "We have to build a political consensus and that requires people to
give up a little bit of their own...in order to create this common
ground."
A. Mao Tse Dung B. Hugo Chavez C. Kim Jong Il D. None of the above
5) "I certainly think the free-market has failed."
A. Karl Marx B. Lenin C. Molotov D. None of the above
6) "I think it's time to send a clear message to what has become the
most profitable sector in (the) entire economy that they are being
watched."
A. Pinochet B. Milosevic C. Saddam Hussein D. None of the above
Answers at the end of the fRIDAY fUNNIES.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Sokolowski – A Lady Dies …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up
with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most
awful bloodcurdling screams.
Don't
worry about that, says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put
into her shoulder blades for wings."
The
old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten
minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
"Oh
my God", says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
Not
to worry", says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled
to fit the halo."
"I
can't do this", says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You
can't go there", says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe
so", says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes drilled for
that!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Irving4 – Believe in
Yourself!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(not really a joke … but, well, Wow! J DrB )
Read
First, Then Open the Link , Sit Back and Watch /
Listen
This is a
story about a gentleman, not that different from many of us: common,
questioning his existence, measuring himself to others, never believing in his
abilities or his worth.
Then one day, his passion outgrew his fears as he stepped onto a
stage, a stage that took him to a place beyond his self imposed prison.
Watch the faces of the judges as this guy walks out on the
stage. You can almost see what they're thinking as they prejudge this
guy based on their own experiences and prejudices, his looks and the
fact that he has chosen a plan vanilla occupation (he's a cell phone
salesman).
He reached a point in his life where he stopped
believing in what people told him for so many years and ultimately
started listening to his passion.
http://www.maniacworld.com/Phone-Salesman-Amazes-Crowd.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake - New Atomic
Element Identified
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW ATOMIC ELEMENT
IDENTIFIED: The New Element (Gv)
Recent hurricanes and
gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. Research
has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new
element, Governmentium (Gv),
has one neutron,
25 assistant
neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an
atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are
held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities
of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium
has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes
every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction (that would normally
take less than a second) anytime from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of
two to six years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in
which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time,
since each reorganization will cause more morons to
become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of
moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium
is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with
money, Governmentium becomes Administratium,
an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium,
since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Stan Kegel – Puns &
Riddles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RIDDLES
What would you get if you
put your iPod in the refrigerator?
Very cool music.
Why don't bananas ever get
lonely?
Because they go around in bunches.
Why do people work as
bakers?
Because they knead the dough.
What did the little boy say
to the lollipop?
I can lick you any day
What happened when the cat
swallowed a coin?
There was some money in the kitty!
What did the bridegroom do
when his wife baked him a marble cake.
He took it for granite.
PUNS
Italian building inspectors
in
Never put both feet in your
mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
A dentist and a manicurist
fought tooth and nail.
If you jump off a
A lawyer joined a nudist
colony, and he hasn't had a suit since.
VOCABULARY
Bassinet: What every
fisherman wants
Carpet: A dog who enjoys riding in a automobile
Arson: Our daughter’s
brother
Belong: To take your time
Celtics: "In the days
of bloodletting, he would collect and CELTICS to physicians." (Stan Kegel)
GROANERS
Farmer Jones's cows had
recently stopped giving good milk. So, he went around asking for advice, and
someone told him that happy cows give good milk. So every morning he would go
out and tell some jokes to his cows, and they would all laugh. But the rest of
the cows in that community thought that the jokes were pretty stupid. Because
of this, his cows became the laughing stock of the town.
My cousin was behind the
bakery's cash register one morning when a gunman burst in and demanded all the
cash. As she nervously handed over the money, she noticed the rolls of coins in
the back of the register. "Do you want the rolls too?" she asked.
"No," said the robber, waving his gun. "Just
the money."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chuck Hopf – Halloween Striptease
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Watch this to
the very end!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Scott Dismukes – The Outhouse
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They
had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it ,because
it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter, and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a
creek, and the boy determined that one day, he would push that outhouse into
the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy
decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a
large stick and started pushing.
Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going
to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy
asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek
today. It was you, wasn't it son?" The
boy answered yes.
Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that
George Washington chopped down a cherry
tree and didn't get into trouble, because he told the truth." The dad replied,
"Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Amish boy and his father were in a
mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen
an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my
life, I don't know what it is."
While
the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel
chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and
the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy
and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers
began to light in the reverse order.
Finally
the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The
father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...
"Go
get your mother."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answers to the History Quiz:
(1) D. None of the above. Statement was made by
Hillary Clinton 6/29/2004
(2) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 5/29/2007
(3) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007
(4) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007
(5) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007
(6) D. None of the above. Statement was made by
Hillary Clinton 9/2/2005
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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fUNNIES, 1996-2007. All Rights Reserved.