The current issue of the fRIDAY
fUNNIES can be found at http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com (full media) and at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie
(text-only). The archives reside at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!)
are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent
directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
16 November 2007
Hi Everyone!
A little
late today … birthday shopping for the Princess … but better late than
never,right? Hope you like ‘em … and the
final video was sent 4 times … that’s a lot … it must be good! Have a super weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From
-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Clark
Kidd - The Blonde and the Ventriloquist
- Tom
Sokolowski – A Raise for the Maid?
- Jerry Valentine – New
Rules for 2008
- cousin
Toby – Dad at the Mall
- Jackieten
– Surely I Cant Look That Old?
- EMDAlan
– Baby Boomers
- Maureen
Zack – Apple Announcement
- Sokolowski – Getting
Into Heaven
- Neil Stenlake – A
Great Lawyer Story
- Paul,
Mark, Tom and Frank - … - Momma Is Santa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Clark
Kidd - The Blonde and the Ventriloquist
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's
doing a show in a small town in
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting: "I've heard enough of your dumb blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype people that way? What does the color of a
person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you
who keep people like me from being respected at work and in the community, and
from reaching our full potential as a person.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not
only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little guy on your
knee".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom
Sokolowski – A Raise for the Maid?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Maid asked for a raise.
The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want
an increase?"
Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The
first is that I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "The Master said so."
Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"
Maria: "The Master did."
Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."
SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jerry
Valentine – New Rules for 2008
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New
Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them!?
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these
days--mowing my lawn.
New
Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you’re a
seagull. People are acting all shocked
that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Filet?
New
Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have
a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New
Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a
dope. If you're a kid, the cards are
keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.
New
Rule:? Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
Okay, we're done.
New
Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but
without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt.
That’s your flavored water.
New
Rule: Stop screwing with old people.
Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a
bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures
out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you
just solved the Social Security crisis.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from cousin
Toby – Dad at the Mall
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some
new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was
watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all
different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The
teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old
man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his
response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat
an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just
wondering if you were my son.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jackieten – Surely I Cant Look That Old?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you ever been guilty of looking
at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?"
Well...you'll love this one!
I am a woman and I was sitting in the
waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS
diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly I remembered that a tall,
handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class
some 30 odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on,
way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to
have been my classmate... or could he?
After he examined my teeth, I thought
I really should at least ask if he had attended
"Yes! Yes, I did! I'm a
Mustang," he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I
asked. He answered, "In 1969. Why do you ask?" "You were in my
class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely.
Then that old, wrinkled, baldheaded,
fat, gray haired, decrepit son of a bitch asked, "What did you
teach?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
EMDAlan – Baby Boomers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You need to
play this
http://weblogs.newsday.com/news/opinion/walthandelsman/blog/2007/11/animation_baby_boomers.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from
Maureen Zack – Apple Announcement
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Apple announced today that
it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will
cost $499 or $599 depending on cup size.
This has been hailed as a
major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at
their breasts and not listening to them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Sokolowski
– Getting Into Heaven
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a long illness, a
woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the
gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents
and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello!" "How
are you? We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!"
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful
place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked."Love."
The woman correctly spelled love, and Saint Peter welcomed her into heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch
the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you
been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told
her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you
were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived
in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world.
We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head,
and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil
Stenlake – A Great Lawyer Story
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One afternoon a lawyer was
riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver
to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating
grass?"
"We don't have any money for food,"
the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my
house and I'll feed you," the
lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children
with me. They are over there,under that
tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer
replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated,
"You come with us, too."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said,
"But sir, I also ha ve a wife and
SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the
lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy
task, even for a car as large as the
limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned
to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind Thank you for
taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from … - Momma Is Santa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks
to
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly
distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is
intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended.
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually
desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a
friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter
your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box.
I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!
Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the
weekly email!
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2007. All Rights Reserved.