The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES
can be found at http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com (full media) and at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie
(text-only). The archives reside at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are
actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly
to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
21 December 2007
Hi Everyone!
Happy Holidays!
Stay terrific!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Barbara Rosenberg - Another
Use For Duct Tape
- Tom Sokolowski Seasons Greetings
- Dick Sziede Golf
- Neil Stenlake Urologist
- Barbara Rosenberg
Blonde Man Joke
- Neil Stenlake - Are We Getting Old?
- Stan Kegel Jest for Kids
- Maureen Zack A Boca
Christmas
- Mark Coleman A Bad
Day
- Paul Keister In the
Hospital
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg - Another Use For
Duct Tape
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have to tell you that I have never
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski Seasons Greetings
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To All My Democrat and Liberal
Friends: Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes
for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible,
low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious
persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect
for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their
choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you
a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated
recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not
without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose
contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dick Sziede - Golf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clubs = $5,000
Bag = $1,500
Sticking your T&A out on TV with MasterCard as your sponsor =
PRICELESS!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake - Urologist
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man went to his
appointment with the urologist. In the
examining room he told the doctor, "Don't laugh!"
"Of course I won't
laugh," the doctor said. "I'm
a professional. In more than twenty
years I've never Laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," the
man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'willie' the doctor had ever seen.
It wasn't any bigger than a
triple A battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor
laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later
he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
" I'm so sorry," he
said. "I really am. I don't know what came over me.
On my honour
as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.
Now, what seems to be the
problem?"
"It's swollen,"
the man replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg
Blonde Man Joke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irishman, a
Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the
20th floor of a building.
They were
eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned
beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican
opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more
time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde
opened his lunch and said, '
The next day,
the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to
his death.
The Mexican
opened his lunch, saw Burritos, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy
opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the
funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really
tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him ag ain!'
The Mexican's
wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't
realize he hated Burritos so much.'
(Oh, this is GOOD!!)
Everyone
turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake - Are We
Getting Old?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While
on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked
"Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2
months and 8 days to live."
Upon
recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift,
liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She
even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since
she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most
of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving
in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God
replied: "I didn't recognize you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Stan Kegel Jest for Kids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Useful
Math Conversions
1. Ratio of an igloo's
circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese
soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a
mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on
a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist
carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail
220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the
Twilight Zone = 1 Rod
8. Half of a large
intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of
laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance
between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers =
1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million
microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2
megacycles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Maureen Zack A Boca Christmas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Twas the night before Christmas
and down here in Boca,
I was sitting at Starbucks,
drinking my mocha.
I know we're all Jewish,
but was wondering still,
if Santa would come here
and give us a thrill.
On my way home,
no Christmas lights did I see,
on the houses, the windows,
not even the trees.
What a strange feeling.
Not a decoration in sight.
Was it really December
or a warm summer's night?
I drove past the deli's,
there were lines out the door.
People were waiting
for kishka and more.
The restaruants were busy,
Christmas dinners not planned.
Never, not here
we're in
At home all was quiet.
I left out Kosher wine,
In case Santa came to Boca
for the very first time.
Snoozing came easy
to me Christmas Eve.
I wasn't waiting for presents
to be left under a tree.
I could hope all I want.
I could fuss and then see,
if Santa would make time
for little old me.
Then all of a sudden
he pulled up in his Jag,
with a sack full of presents
each sporting a tag.
Oh Bloomies, oh Saks
a computer and more.
He knows where to shop,
he frequents my stores!
He looked for the lox,
the bagels and jelly.
He came to Boca first
to fill up his belly!
"I have a long night ahead,
I want you to know.
From Boca I leave
for
He stayed for a while,
he chatted and ate.
Then he left in a flash
before it got late.
What a great night
I thought with a sigh.
That jolly old Santa
is a really nice guy.
As I cleared off the table
I heard with delight
"Shalom to you all,
and OY, what a night!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mark Coleman A Bad Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For
all, who may be having a bad day...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Paul Keister In the Hospital
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
man woke up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor came in and said:
"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. You probably don't remember, but
you were in a pile-up. You're going to be okay; you'll walk again
and all of your muscle control seems to be okay, but there is a bit of bad
news, so I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can: your penis was
chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The doctor continued:
"We've checked your insurance and you've actually got $9,000 compensation
coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you
a new penis that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact.
However, it doesn't come cheap. It costs one thousand dollars an inch."
Hearing this, the guy perked up
a bit.
"So, you see, it's a
simple decision" said the doctor. "You need to decide how many inches
you want, but it's something you might wish to discuss with your wife. For example,
if you had a five-inch penis before, and you now decide to go for a nine inch
penis, she might be a bit upset by the hefty
expenditure. On the other hand, if you had a nine-incher
before, and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be a bit
disappointed with your performance. Therefore, it's important that you
consult with her to help you make the decision. Come on back tomorrow and let
me know what you both decide."
The guy agreed to talk with his
wife and left.
The next day he was back in the
doctor's office.
"So," said the doctor,
"have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have." said the
patient.
"And has she helped you to
make the decision?"
"Yes, she has" the guy
said.
"And what is the
decision?" asked the doctor.
"We're putting in a new
kitchen" said the guy.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly
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Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie
Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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fUNNIES, 1996-2007. All Rights Reserved.